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Badfic, the final frontier. These are the misadventures of RC 1701-NCC. Its ongoing mission: to eradicate uncanonical worlds, to burn out new Suvians and Suvilisations, to boldly go where no Pyros have gone before.
“The console has picked up new readings, Spock,” said Agent James T Kirk to his partner as he entered their RC. His partner, Agent S’chn T’gai Spock, walked over to the console to peer at the readings.
“Jim, the console has picked up a Sue-created fantasy kingdom to the north of the canon of Lord of the Rings. Signs indicate that there is life, but not as we know it.”
“What do Spy Uhura’s preliminary reports tell us?” asked Kirk.
“A high concentration of glitter in the ‘capital’ of this kingdom, called Glitterothos,” replied Spock, straightening up from the console. “Shall we prepare to beam into it?”
“I hope Scotty fixed up the disguises. I don’t particularly fancy being shot again.”
“Indeed. Dr McCoy was displeased. He threatened bodily harm to my person should I let you get injured on this mission, which I may add is counterproductive and certainly counter-intuitive to his role as Medical personnel.”
Kirk laughed, going to the cabinet and handing Spock a sword before taking one for himself. “Set the coordinates of the portal to the heart of this... Glitterothos,” he said. “And set disguises to... whatever native creature we will find there.”
“I believe Elves populate this fantasy kingdom,” replied Spock, looking at the readings, “specifically Moon Elves.”
“Yeah...” Kirk trailed off, frowning. “Moon Elves.”
Spock set the disguises and the coordinates for the portal. As he and Kirk stepped through, he could hear his partner say, “energise!”
If Vulcans could roll their eyes, he definitely would have.
Upon stepping into the urple streets of Glitterothos, the first thing the Agents did was don their sunglasses. “This is worse than that one Sue with the singing forest,” remarked Kirk sardonically as the two ‘Moon Elves’ wandered through the streets. According to the Words, Moon Elves were ‘lyke elves, but with bluish skin and silver eyes and silver hair and they got magickal powers frum teh moon’.
Spock, who had been used to greenish skin, was less fazed about it than Kirk. Even then he decided to mentally schedule some more time for meditation, provided the console did not alert them to another mission just as soon as they complete this one. The problem with the console was that it did not respond to Vulcan nerve pinches, and Kirk’s punches did not help matters much.
“Can you locate the presence of the Sue?” asked Kirk as Spock took the CAD hanging from a strap at his side to scan the surroundings. The device shrilled alarmingly, causing the Vulcan to mute it lest they draw attention from the locals.
“She is in the castle over there,” said the Vulcan-turned-Moon-Elf as he pointed to a great hulking glitter monstrosity. “Her name, according to Uhura, is Trelana, Princess of Glitterothos. She intends to join the Fellowship of the Ring after receiving a rune of power from Galadriel, who is supposedly her mother.”
“I wasn’t aware that Celebrían had a sister,” muttered Kirk irritably as he took note of it in his Agent’s Log. “Shall we head for the castle?”
But suddenly, guards in wilver armour came out of nowhere, surrounding the two agents. The two of them raised their palms in surrender as one of the guards, evidently their leader, strode forward with a spear pointed straight at Kirk’s heart.
“The Princess Trelana wishes to know why there are foreign interlopers in her domain,” said the chief guard. Kirk and Spock looked at each other.
“We are but humble... peasants,” said Kirk in response, eyes wide. Spock shot him a Look.
“The Princess Trelana thinks you are lying,” said the guard. He turned towards the castle. “You will come.”
Kirk looked at Spock, noticing the pointed look the Vulcan was giving him. “What?” he hissed as the guards made them fall into line with their spears.
“Perhaps if you read Uhura’s report for yourself, you would know that by the end of the narrative, the Princess Trelana becomes omniscient and omnipotent,” the Vulcan replied. “This naturally means there is a version of her who knows of our presence, and will attempt to kill us lest we prevent her from attaining those powers.”
“But that means... if she’s omniscient, she can’t be defeated!”
Spock nodded. “Yes, Jim,” he said with the patience of a kindergarten teacher.
“We’re going to have to call for backup or something, aren’t we? And when were you going to tell me that she had those powers?”
Spock calmly folded his hands behind his back. “When it became relevant, as it just did,” he replied. “Now, if we can contact HQ without letting our captors know, we may be able to ask for help from Agents Sulu and Chekov.”
“Yeah,” agreed Kirk. “Let’s do that.”
|1 Chapter 1|