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The Mysterious Somebody Makes A Very Bad Day
Cyber-Observer -- General -- Posted: 18/09/2013 -- Updated: 18/09/2013
It was a leisurely day in the Board of Flowers room, formerly known as the Mysterious Somebody’s office. Or at least, it would have been if the Flowers had not been called there to deal with a growing problem reported throughout Headquarters.

Where’s the Sunflower Official? asked the Marquis de Sod from his position atop the Mysterious Somebody’s filing cabinet. He was supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago.

Wha?... sounded a voice from under the Mysterious Somebody’s desk. Who said my name? The floral head of a Sunflower poked out from where the desk chair would have sat if the Big Thorn had not been perched precariously on top of it at the other side of the room.

How… how long have you been here? the Marquis asked, taken aback.

Been here the whole taime, I reckon. answered the Really Big Monkey Puzzle Tree, who had been made to sit on the floor after everyone else had taken all of the good office fixtures. The ol’ fella works day an’ night makin’ sure the world’s done saved and the like.

Yes, that is definitely what I was doing, the Sunflower Official agreed. Defending this desk from the scourge of Mary Sues. I definitely do not sleep here.

So… the Marquis shuffled his leaves. You heard what I said to the Sub Rosa about the boiling oil and the tainted fertilizer?

Uh.. yes! Very yes. Every word. There was a brief pause as the Sunflower Official pulled the rest of his body out from underneath the desk. And you should be ashamed of yourself. Incidentally, I want you to submit to me the written form of that thing you said, so I can send it to my secretary for a disciplinary review.

If you will, Sunflower Official, said the Tiger Lily, who had taken advantage of arriving first in the Board of Flowers room to select a high vantage point atop the Mysterious Somebody’s water cooler, I would like to get to why I called this meeting, now that the entire Board is both present and conscious.

Of course, Tiger Lily. Carry on. the DMS Head replied.

Excellent. Now, as you may be aware, there have been a series of severe problems ravaging Headquarters all afternoon. I have called you here to discuss why they have occurred, and see if we can find a cause. Fern, to you.

Thank you, Tiger Lily. said the Fern, shuffling his papers and nearly coming unhooked from the Mysterious Somebody’s motivational office poster in the process. All those who responded to my department’s inquiries reported the presence of a floating man in association with the events, or as some called him- the Fern made a throat-clearing sound over the shared psychic link as a sign that he was about to use words that were not his own- “totally a ghost, man, I swear, it was all swooshing and flying and talking about ruination and all that stuff ghosts do". Now, obviously, it cannot be a ghost, because coming back from the dead is highly illegal-

Woah, wait, it is? interrupted the Sunflower Official.

Yes. asserted the Fern. Extremely.

Hold on a minute, then. the SO continued. I need to fire my Time Lord. The Flower produced a smooth green cellular phone, held it up to the light for a few seconds, and then snapped it open and dialed a series of numbers. A few seconds later, a bleary “Hello?” sounded from the other side.

Morgan, it’s your boss. You’re fired.

“What? Why?”

Because you came back from the dead, which I have just been informed by a trusted consultant is highly illegal. You never even told me it was illegal! And then you resurrected a second time! That makes you twice the criminal! A criminal squared, even!

“No, please! Don’t fire me! I have a family to support!”

Liar. I happen to know that your entire species is dead. You’re still fired. With that, the Flower closed his phone, shut it off, and returned the device to where it had been stored it previously. Carry on, Fern.

Right. Well. The Fern shuffled his papers again to gather his thoughts before continuing. This unknown entity may be projected by an advanced multi-species hallucinogen, while the being responsible wreaks havoc on us under cover of a “ghost attack”.

So what’s that got to do with us? interjected the Aloe. Just put the DMFF on it.

I have reason to believe, continued the Fern, his voice growing brittle from the constant interruptions, that it will soon be targeting the Flowers in particular. If you would just let me finish, then we might be able to find if it has already targeted us. Does anyone have a tragedy to report?

Darn straight! announced the Marquis de Sod. My post-nap coffee? Burned. Severely. I could barely drink the stuff. It was the good kind, too! Worth more than I pay my secretary in a year! And I swear, just as I was going to go get it, I saw something blue go into my closet. Are ghosts blue?

There are no ghosts. the Fern stated, harshly.

Yeah, but if there were, would they be blue?

That doesn't even MAKE any… The Fern paused, photosynthesizing deeply for a few seconds. They might be. If they existed. Which they don’t. Anyone else?

A ghost lit my brother on fire earlier, the Big Thorn stated, shakily and quietly. He’s in Medical now, and if we hadn’t found him sooner, he might not have made it. I’m honestly afraid for the safety of the-

THERE! ARE! NO! GHOSTS! roared the Fern. There is NO such thing! The presence of a ghost would not only be highly illegal, it being able to do anything on this scale would be highly illogical! Now can we PLEASE get back to orderly compiling reports and planning what we are going to do about this absolutely NOT-spectral threat!?

I’d love to say we could, pardner, the Really Big Monkey Puzzle Tree replied, but I reckon we should prob’ly deal with the def’nitely-not-a-ghost over there before we get to doin’ that.

The what? The Fern turned to his left and to his right, and about midway between the two directions, he saw the robed figure that was standing in the open doorway with an expression of mixed shock and bafflement on its face.

“Are you… are you standing on my motivational poster?” inquired the anything-but-a-ghost. “How do you even do that?”

A ghost! declared the Tiger Lily, ignoring the Fern’s cry of No, it’s not a ghost! while leaping down from the water cooler. Since coming back from the dead is illegal, you are therefore... a criminal! Officers! To me!

“You know,” mused the cannot-be-a-ghost absently, “If I locked you in here, I wouldn’t need to hunt you down while you’re in your individual offices. I could just humiliate you all at once later. I think I’m going to go with that.”

Oh, no you don’t, burner of expensive coffee! shouted the Marquis. As long as I remain conscious, you will not go unpunished for ruining my afternoon brew!

Without paying heed to the hat-wearing Flower’s protests, the you-all-know-it’s-the-Mysterious-Somebody’s-ghost-so-let’s-just-out-and-say-it closed the door with a slam. The hinges and locks glowed briefly while the sound of the door closing reverberated through the office, the shock waves of the impact knocking the Fern off of his precarious perch.

While the Big Thorn and the Really Big Monkey Puzzle Tree, who had been designated arbitrarily as the strongest Flowers present, tried in vain to shove open the Force-closed door, the Fern pulled himself upright. His papers had been scattered across the floor when he landed, a few of his fronds had cracked, and he had almost certainly lost all credibility among his fellow Flowers to determine what did and did not exist.

This is the worst day of my life, he groaned. From outside the Board room door, a voice could be faintly heard laughing in response.

A/N: Now that the Mysterious Somebody has returned and imprisoned the only people who can give the orders to stop him, how will the PPC react? What will he do next? Will Marsha ever remove her head from that wall? Find out next time, same Cyber-site, same Cyber-story!
Oh, I luvvv it! It's such a wonderful story! More peopele should wriate about the Mysterious Somebody, just like you said!

Update soooooon!

Bye bye!
OMG SO FUNNY! I love it! I love it to pieces! The way youy write the flowers is hilarious. Keep writing please!!!
LOK taht was funn. Yuor story aws very funnd althou I dont' thinkn the SO would be so useless in it maybe you should rewrit it so bweats he Mysterosu Somebody and then rthe good ghus win. that wokd be more realistic.
This is seriously awesome. The PPC could use a nice mruderous ghost every know and then. (Even though it's nowhere near as seriously awesome as my story. Kelly Harrington for the win!)
Oh this is so awesome! You are the most amazing writer EVER!!!!!! Please write more!!!!!!