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Rise of the Elemental Agents
HopeandLove2 -- General -- Posted: 24/09/2014 -- Updated: 26/09/2014
A/n You guys are so mean. Here's the next chapter, it'll blow you out of the water!!!!!!!!!!! Air Wind was Lyon on her bed when She herd the fine wring. "hello?" she said. "Hi" said Fire Love. "Whats up Air-chan?" ( Air is Japanese so she talks like that.) " Not much really." " Do you want to go to Karakura Town? We could look at all the hotties." "Hell yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Alwright let's meet at my place tomorrow" "What will you be wearing?" "I'll be wearing my short black miniskirt with my hot pink halter top, gold hop earrings black lipstick dark eye shadow and black pumas." " Okay I'll wear my pink kimono with block bots with red lipstick purple eyeshadow and pink rouge." I hope those awful goths don't show up" " Yeak Ixi and Destoyer are such uncool posers" A/N see? Day Erza sew much bitter.
I am... appalled... at your disgrace.
Wow, I don't think you could ever get a beta. They'd be too horrified by the job and run away screaming. Your sentences are awful, and your logic is non-existent. Does Fire Love seriously use 'Air-chan'? Just because Air Wind is 'Japanese' does not mean that everybody around her calls her Air-chan. I think you just wanted to show 'ohmigosh! I know soooo much Japanese!' and be an irritating fangirl. (Speaking of, why do so many fanficcers use all this Japanese in their writing?)
And why, WHY, are you giving us so much description of their clothes, and not the important stuff? Both of them seem to be in a huge white place with a bed, a phone, and Kamakura town. I'm sure, since you gave such interesting descriptions of their clothes, you could do it!
One last thing. The dialogue. There is no way any child would talk like that. Oh! I'll just randomly ask you what you'll be wearing, because.... Logic!
One last thing part 2. This is so cliche that... I can't. Japanese girls don't always wear kimonos, unless this was like... The seventeenth century.
I was blown away.
By your stupidity.