Once a time upon there was a girl called Kaitlyn. She was just an ordinary girl - or was she???

Kaitlyn was sitting at her computer talking to her friends on MSN. She liked talking to her friends - they were friendly, especially hS. He was her friend. He lived in England (A/N and she lived in America!) and was friendly. The two friends were talking in a friendly way about friendly -

"All right!" yelled Kaitlyn. "I get the picture!" And with that, she dived headfirst at the computer screen, which rippled as she passed through and vanished.

On the screen, a little window hung there. In the window, hS' words appeared:

Hello? Kaitlyn? This isn't very friendly...

Kaitlyn, however, could not see this. She was too busy seeing the grass under her face, the flowers in the grass, the strange patterns of light and, as she looked up, the two trees glowing above her, flooding the landscape with light more glorious than that of sun, moon or stars.

"Oh," she said, "two trees giving off light. I guess I must be in Valinor."

"Yes," said a melodious voice from behind her, "you are."

Kaitlyn turned to see a beautiful woman behind her. "Yes. And you would be... who?"

"I am Varda, the Star Queen. I was once known as the fairest in this land, but now that honour must go to you. Come with me, and I will take you to see your long-lost family."

Kaitlyn stared. "Fairest. Me. You must be mad."

"But you are," said Varda. "Do you not see it?" With that, a patch of air in front of Kaitlyn acquired a mirror finish, and she saw herself.

-- herself as she might have been, had she been born amongst the elves instead of the Mortals. She gasped. "But that... that isn't me!" she cried.

"But it is," replied Varda. "It is you as you once were, Sunlight Gift, before you were sent away to-"

But Kaitlyn wasn't listening. "Sunlight Gift?"

"That is your true name. Cast aside this feeble ‘Kaitlyn', and become who you were born to be."

"Er, I'd rather not," Kaitlyn - sorry, Sunlight Gift - replied, but by this time Varda had had enough and started dragging the reluctant elf towards Tirion.

"Look, for the last time, I don't want to -"

"And here we are," said Varda, ignoring Kaitlyn as she had for the whole of the journey. "I know your family are anxious to meet you again. As is your betrothed."

Kaitlyn blinked. She had been about to protest that she had no family here, but the final comment had left her stunned. Which bit was she supposed to object to first?

And so it was that she remained quiet as seven elves, only two of whom were female, came out to greet her. One by one, they hugged her as if she were a long-lost friend. She didn't recognise any of them, until the last, who looked familiar. She tried to recall...

"-Galadriel?"

The elf looked at her curiously. "No, little sister, I am Artanis. Surely you remember me."

"Oh, right, I -- little sister?"

"Alas, father," said Artanis. "She has forgotten much."

"Alas indeed," replied the oldest-looking of the male elves. Turning Kaitlyn to look at him, he said, "Sunlight Gift, I am Finarfin, your father. These are your mother and older siblings. And this" - he pointed behind her, to the door - "is your betrothed."

"Hello, Sunlight," said a lyrical voice. She turned to see another of those dark-haired, grey-eyed Noldor. "I am Maglor."

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" screamed Kaitlyn. All the elves froze. Yes, what is it this time?"

Glaring at the ceiling, the girl replied. "I am not BeautyID. You are not going to pair me up with Maglor!" But, but, but...

"I'm not listening," she said, sticking her fingers in her ears. "Change it, or I don't move." All right, then...

"Hello, Sunlight," said an odd British voice. She turned to see a strange looking man in a cloak, holding a crystal-

"No," she said, as the action froze again. "Not Jareth, either. I'm not WfR. Nor am I Bjam, so don't even think about bringing in -" All right, I get the picture! So who would you like?

Kaitlyn considered. Then she grinned evilly. "hS. I need to get him back for a few things anyway." All right, then... but it might be tricky.

"I don't care." I know you don't, I was just saying.

"Er, Kaitlyn?" said a rather confused sounding British voice. She turned to see an equally-confused hS. "What's going -"

"Ah, Huinesoron," said Finarfin from behind Kaitlyn. "I am so glad you could come, son of my dear brother Fingolfin." He paused, then added, with a twinkle in his eye, "But of course, you would come to meet your betrothed, wouldn't you? Especially the day before the wedding."

Kaitlyn stared at Huinesoron. He stared back at her. Then they both turned to stare at Finarfin in horror, and cried, in unison, "What?"

* * *

Kaitlyn and Huinesoron stormed down a corridor, trying to avoid the hordes of squealing elves who were hoping to be noticed. Finally, Kaitlyn could stand it no more.

"Look," she said, addressing a group of Noldor, "you're supposed to be the wisest beings ever. What are you doing squealing over me?"

"Because you are the fairest ever to exist!" they cried with one voice - something which is more scary than it sounds. The leader added, "And you are wiser and better and more powerful than any save Iluvatar humself, and you're getting married and it's so sweet!"

Kaitlyn narrowed her eyes and, unthinking, raised a hand to point at the elf. "Now, let me get one thing straight -"

Then she stopped, and stared in horror at the pile of ashes that the elf had been reduced to. The other elves stared for a moment, then fell down and worshipped her. "Oh mighty Sunlight Gift, who has the power to shoot fireballs from her fingers, please, please destroy us as well, if it will give you pleasure."

Whether she would have accepted or not was never to be known, for at that point Huinesoron grabbed her by the arm and, leaving the squealing elves behind, dragged her into a small room.

"What did you think you were doing?" he asked, leaning against the closed door. "You can't go around just killing everyone, you know!"

"Do you think I don't know that?" she retorted. "I didn't even know I could do that... I couldn't do that. What's happened to me?"

Huinesoron stared. "You don't know?" She shook her head mutely, and he sighed. "Short version, then. You've become a Mary-Sue. It's happened to me before, but even I never had Super Speshul Powers. Kaitlyn, be very careful. Don't do anything."

She glared at him. "You may have forgotten, but we're supposed to be getting married tomorrow. Personally, I'd rather burn down the whole of Valinor than let that happen."

Huinesoron shook his head in irritation. "Don't worry about that, it's all taken care of."

"How?"

He looked hurt. "Don't you trust me?"

She considered. "Not with this, no. What are you planning?"

"Oh, nothing much," he replied, gesturing vaguely. "Just a visit from a few old friends."

She stared at him. "Tell."

* * *

Elven weddings are not like their counterparts amongst Mortals. This is rather fortunate, as the author knows very little of either. So everything you read here will be completely made up. Hey, look on the bright side - at least I admitted it.

"Oh, just get on with it."

And here I thought you didn't want to get married.

Kaitlyn glared at the ceiling of the room just outside the wedding hall. "I don't. But nor do I want to spend more time than necessary here." All right, then.

Kaitlyn and Huinesoron looked at each other apprehensively. Then the doors into the wedding chamber opened. They stepped through, and stopped. "Oh, you have got to be kidding."

A smiling Finarfin came up to them, accompanied by his older brother, Fingolfin. "Hello, children," he said. "It's so good to finally see you together. Isn't it, brother?"

"It is," replied Fingolfin. "Despite my earlier misgivings - what with them being cousins - I know see that you were correct. They were made for each other."

"Yes, yes, very nice," said Kaitlyn, "but will someone please tell me that the bed is just here for decoration?"

The two Noldor looked at each other and smiled. "My dear Sunlight," said Finarfin, "I realise you have spent a lot of time with the Mortals, but surely you remember that among the Eldar, there is only one way to be truly married."

"No, no, and most emphatically, no!" cried Huinesoron. "Do you know nothing, stupid narrator?" The action froze, except for Kaitlyn and Huinesoron. I'm offended. What have I done now?

"Elves may be slightly... less modest than mortals," he said, picking his words with care, "but that does not mean weddings are a sharding sex-fest!" Well, that's the impression I got. Anyway, it's my story! And with that, the pair were shoved forcefully back into the action.

"Come this way, children," burbled Finarfin, acting even more bubbly than before. Huinesoron and Kaitlyn were dragged - kicking and screaming - towards the bed. But before they arrived...

"Here we come to save the day!"

A trio leapt out of the crowd, right in front of Finarfin. Before he could move, one had pulled out a ball of string and tied him to a nearby pillar. She paused for a moment, then the three moved off around the room in a blur of speed, leaving a trail of tied-up elves in their wake.

Almost a minute later, they finally came to a halt in front of Kaitlyn and Huinesoron. Kaitlyn grinned.

"Hello, Bjam," she said. "I guess you must be the Deus Ex Machina we were waiting for."

"I am," replied Bjam, bouncing slightly. "As are BiD and WfR, who agreed to help me out today." She indicated her two companions, who nodded to Kaitlyn.

"Yes, yes, this is all very nice," said Huinesoron, impatient at being ignored, "but can we please get out of here?"

The three looked at each other. Finally, WfR spoke up.

"It... may not be as simple as that."

* * *

Kaitlyn groaned. "Why do you people not plan properly?"

"We did," replied WfR in irritation. "We managed to get hold of the only portal available, and set it up for nine transits. Three come in, five go out, we even had a spare! But then..." She trailed off and looked at Bjam, who sighed.

"All right, I'll say it. Then I realised I'd forgotten my string, and ducked back to get it. So we've used five transits in total, and there's only room for four more. Which means..."

"That one of us has to stay here. Right."

"It has to be me, then," put in Huinesoron. "You came here to rescue us, we can't let any of you stay here. And I know Kaitlyn wants to go home."

The other four stared at him. "No!" said Kaitlyn. "I won't allow it! I was the one who got you dragged here, I'm the one who should have to stay!"

He shook his head. "Not happening. No matter what else happens, I am not letting you stay here as a ‘Sue."

She raised an eyebrow. "And since when did you have any power over me?"

Bjam stepped between the two before Huinesoron could retort. "Come on, people, let's not do this. It's going to be difficult enough to sort this out without arguing amongst ourselves."

There was a groan from the floor, and then an annoyingly familiar voice said, "Sunlight? What happened? Why am I tied up?"

Kaitlyn groaned. "Why are you still doing this, Finarfin? I am not your daughter. You understand?"

The confused elf stared up at her. "But you are! You are Sunlight Gift, and you are -"

"Wait, wait," said BiD, cutting in. "Sunlight? As far as I can tell, the Two Trees are still here. So what is this ‘sunlight' word?"

Finarfin frowned. "I'm not... I don't know. But she is our Sunlight Gift, and -"

"No she isn't," replied BiD. "She never was. And she's leaving soon. She was just a dream."

"But who is going to stay?" said Kaitlyn, dragging them back to the subject and ignoring her ersatz father. "That's what we need to decide."

BiD was about to reply, when suddenly something caught her eye. She grinned. "That," she said, "won't be a problem. I'm staying."

"What? Why?"

BiD grinned, then walked over to the harp-carrying elf who had entered the chamber and was now picking his way between the tied-up elves towards the five. "Hi," she said. "Would I be correct in thinking you are Maglor, son of Feanor?"

The elf blinked. "Er, yes, I am. I'm not sure what's going on... I've got a feeling I should be getting married, but I'm not sure who to."

BiD grinned, then launched herself at him. "Me! How could you forget, my beloved Maglor?"

Maglor blinked, then seemed to accept this. "Oh... well, that's good. When is the wedding supposed to be?"

"As soon as possible!" she enthused, then turned back to the other four for a moment. "You four go on home - tell everyone where I've gone. I'm happy here."

With that, she linked arms with Maglor and dragged him from the room. As they reached the door, the others heard her say, "Let's talk about oaths..." and then she was gone.

Bjam blinked. "Well..." she said, "that's that sorted. Come on, you two," she added, looking over at Kaitlyn and Huinesoron, "we're going. Preferably before this lot wake up." With that, she and WfR ran off behind a pillar, and vanished.

Kaitlyn looked at Huinesoron. "Well, it's been interesting."

He nodded. "It has that. But I think it's time we left."

She nodded cheerfully. "Yep. I can't wait to stop being a ‘Sue. Let's go and tease Jenn about Jareth a bit."

With that, the pair wandered around behind a pillar, stepped through the green and red portal, and found themselves back at their computers. Kaitlyn took a moment to compose herself, then opened up a group conversation with Huinesoron, Bjam and WfR.

‘Well,' she typed, ‘that was an experience, wasn't it?'