Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure I own everything in this chapter . . .
A/N: This is indeed a parody. It is posted on ff.n as a means of informing people who actually write like this that their style isn't the best.
Huinesoron and Quelleharmaiel
Epilogue (AN or should it be prologue lol): In which "David" and "Eleanor" get confused
Once, there was a guy who lived in England. His name was David, and he was very tall, dark, and handsome. He was talking to his friend UnDeadGoat on MSN, only her real name was Eleanor, and she thought of him as Huinesoron. (AN: LOL no duh they didnt use they're real names online) She was reely pretty with green/gold/hazely eyes that were pretty and long pretty hair. Then, because of a mysterious concidence, they both went to the same story on ff.n. "Hey, this is a Mary Sue," they both said at the same time. (AN: But it wasn't lol it was my other sotry go and reed it its good but their reelly supsicious ppl who think everthing they read is a 'sue if it's got a romance in it lol.)
Then, all of a sudden, both of theyre computers turned into spiral portal things. The color was reely reely pretty, but because their reely meen, they said, "Ew! It's urply-wilver!"
Then, both of them simultaneously stuck their hands into the computer screens to see what was going on. "Oh no!" they screamed, "I'm being sucked into the computer!"
Later, when their parents wanted to tell them to come to dinner, they found only empty chairs. "Oh no!" they screamed. "Where are our children!?"
A/N: Isn't this funny lol I haven't decided whether I'm gonna make them fall in love with eachother or Leglas lol but Leggy will be in the sotry lol isn't he so HOTT lol but not as hott as David lol bnut that's not really his real name lol if you review i'll tell you what his real name is lol and ill give you a koocy lol.
[Real Author's Note: I don't want any reviews saying you loved it and want more, because this is a parody which I originally wrote as a joke to annoy Huinesoron (David). I realize that it doesn't read quite like something that's very poorly written because the author has no skill, because it pokes fun at itself.
And now, let's play spot the problems, shall we? What's wrong with this chapter? Oh, and the in-story author notes are not things I would actually say. I don't think David's much hotter than Legolas, for one. And the story mentioned above isn't one of mine, though it would be appreciated if you'd read some of my other stuff.
And I know the difference between epilogues and prologues, but lots of authors here on ff.n don't, sadly.]
Disclaimer: This is the chapter where we meet characters who are owned by Tolkien, and not by me.
Chapter 1: In which they find out they're real names
The character formerly known as David woke up under a bunch of trees. "Where am I?" he said, sitting up. "And who am I?" He rubbed a bump on his head. "And why aren't I speaking English?" He scratched his temple in consternation. "What is English, anyways?"
A tall, blonde elf stepped out from under a tree. "I can answer the first two questions. But alas, I have no idea what this English you speak of is."
The character formerly known as David (AN: I can't call him David because he doesn't know his own name lol) looked at the stranger. "So, ummmm . . . can you answer the first two questions?"
The elf said, "Well, to answer the second question first, you are in Mirkwood. And second off, you are my son, Huinesoron."
"I'm your son?" said the character formerly known as David but now known as Huinesoron. "Who are you? And who is my, errr . . ." he looked the elf up and down, "mother?"
"I am Legolas," said Legolas. "And you have no mother."
"Huh?" said Huinesoron. (AN: lol i can't keep calling him "the character formerly known as David but now known as Huinesoron because that would take up too much room) "what do you mean, I have no mother?"
"Did you hear about the fic that paired me with Gwaihir?"
Some bit of Huinesoron's mind that remembered his life as David nodded. "It sounds familiar . . ."
"Well," Legolas sighed, "you are the mpreg child of that union."
"Mpreg? I remember mpreg! Noooooooo now I'll have to gouge my eyes out with sporks because of all the horrendous parental mental images!"
Legolas looked on with mild interest. "What is a spork?"
Huinesoron looked up, startled. "I don't know . . . But you gouge your eyes out with it when you hear about mpreg, I remember that. Incidentally, why can't I remember you?"
"Because, my child," said Legolas, "we had to send you away for your own protection. But now it's safe, so you are back."
"And why is my name Huinesoron?"
"Because Huinesoron means Darkness Eagle, and I told you who your other father -"
Huinesoron planted his hands over his ears. "NO NO NO I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!"
Meanwhile, in another forest . . .
The character formerly known as Eleanor woke up. "Who am I? Where am I? And why aren't I speaking English?"
A woman stepped out from behind a tree. "You are my daughter, Quelleharmaiel, and you are in Ithilien."
"Who are you? And who is my father?"
"I am Eowyn, and your father is Faramir. You are our elf daughter, so we gave you an elf name."
"Why can't I remember anything?"
"You were sent away by magic because it is so weird to have an elf be born to mortals."
"OK then, mom . . ."
AN: Isn't this cool lol quess what'll happen next lol and her names Quelleharmaiel becuz I got it from a name generator when i put UnDeadGoat through and it sounds pretty so dont flame me cuz of it kay no flames!
[Real Author Note: I had to discard the "they fall in love with Legolas" idea because hS told me, in no uncertain terms, that he did not want to be part of a slashy romance. "Oh, I'm sure. Oh, yes... if you make me slashy, I will kill you, okay? Please don't." Really. He said that. Oh, and I don't mind flames - I've got rather a surfeit of marshmallows here.]
Chapter 2: In which they meet again (AN: but they didn't know eachother irl b4 lol)
Huinesoron woke up, stretched, and went downstairs to find some breakfast. Legolas looked up when he saw Huinesoron coming. "Why aren't you packed yet?"
Huinesoron, still bleary-eyed from sleep, was confused. "Why should I be packed?"
"We're going to Ithilien this afternoon!" said Legolas, impatient. "Surely I told you!"
"I don't think you did." He was slowly beginning to wake up. "Why are we going to Ithilien?"
"So I talk to Faramir about starting the Elf colony! Now go get packed!"
-A few weeks (AN: do they have weeks in m-e?) later (AN: well however long it takes to get to ithilien from mirkwood)-
Quelleharmiel stared around in disbelief. "MOM?" she called, "Why are all these people cleaning?"
Eowyn bustled over. "Haven't you heard? Prince Legolas and his newfound long-lost son are coming to talk to your father about the new Elf settlement! They will be here soon and everything must be perfect for the banquet!"
"Legolas has a son?"
"Yes, he was long-lost, just like you. His name's Huinesoron."
Something in the back of Quelleharmiel's brain stirred. "Huinesoron . . ." she muttered. "That sounds familiar . . ."
Quelleharmiel wandered to the kitchen, looking for something to eat. She wandered out again an hour later, still hungry, but with hands covered in flour and holes from hot oil splatters on her ceremonial fancy dress thing.
-That night-
Huinesoron looked around at the huge party. "Wow . . . a banquet in our honor!"
"My honor, actually," said Legolas. "But you, as my son, are an honored guest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to talk to Faramir . . ."
Legolas strode off towards a dark-haired man at the other end of the hall, leaving Huinesoron to fend for himself. Huinesoron glanced around the hall, looking for someone to talk to, when he saw . . .
-
Quelleharmiel stared around in astonishment. She hadn't known so many people would fit into the hall! (AN: lol no duh there havent been ne banquets since she came) She still didn't have many friends here, being so newly arrived. She looked around the hall, to see if she saw anyone she knew. Suddenly, she saw . . .
-
Huinesoron stared. He had never seen anyone like this girl before. Her dress was revealing yet modest, she had long brown hair that had blonde streaks from the sun with a reddish tint in some kinds of light. Her eyes were the kind of color that would be best described as "hazel" by someone more succinct, but that he preferred to think of as "sort of medium leafish/jadeish green with a darker, more hunter green border, and a golden brown ring/star thing around the pupil, but there's green between the pupil and the ring." She also had a cute nose. The edges of his vision started to go all blurry because he was focusing on her so much, like in West Side Story when Maria and Tony meet. (AN: have u seen that movie u should its g00d it made me cry lol)
Quelleharmiel (AN: no duh he was staring at her!) stared right back. His eyes were hazel colored, like hers, only they were way sexier. His piercing gaze bore into hers, making her swoon. The edges of her field of vision started to blur, too, but she didn't notice because she was staring at Huinesoron too much. She vagule noticed his features besides his eyes, like his dark brown hair which was short for an elf. She also noticed that he was tall, dark, and handsome.
They slowly started to walk towards eachother, unaware of everything else because their vision was all blurry at the sides.
-
AN: hahahahahahahahaha its a cliffy! what will happen next? find out soon! (and no they wont do that weird dance thing like in west side story cuz that wuz weird)
[Real Author's Notes: Because the question has been raised, I would like to say that I am not making the 'Sue "me" because I am a Huinesoron luster, but because if I didn't she would get out of control really really fast. I just wanted to iterate this point before I get to the conclusion, because I will be forced to use the word "makeingout" in it, and I do not want a reputation as a Huinesoron luster, because I'm not one. Also, the person writing the in-text author notes isn't really me. Just some author that's sort of part of the story.
Ff.n is being evil and getting rid of my asterisks and tildes when I upload, and not letting me re-insert them. Does anyone know how to fix it, or will I be forced to use dashes to demarcate sections hereafter?]
This is very fun . . .
Chapter 3: In which they kiss!!!111!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and it is mushy!!!!!!!!!!!eleventyone!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!! (AN: or do they lol read + find out!!!!!!!11)
They looked into eachothers eyes and fell deeply in twu luv at firts site!!!!!!! And then they started slow-dancing because there was lots of slow music. And because he was so noble and honorable and stuff, he didn't put his hand on her butt, not even once. (AN: isnt it soooooooooooooooo annoying when guys do that? its like "hello, that's my ass not yrs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")
And then they danced for such a long time that they got all hungry because they hadn't eaten dinner yet. So they went to the table that had lots of fruit and cheese on it.
"Mmm, cheese!" said Quelleharmiel. "I haven't had good cheese in a long time!" Her look quickly turned to dismay, however. "There isn't any orange cheese!"
"Orange cheese . . . I remember orange cheese . . . Hated the stuff."
"But where do I remember it from? I haven't had any since I remember, I don't think . . ."
"I dunno," said Huinesoron. "Maybe it's like sporks."
But Quelleharmiel was too busy stuffing her face with fruit to pay attention, remember about sporks, and figure out that they both had come from the same place. Huinesoron, being hungry as well, ate fruit too. "I like fruit," he said.
By this time, Quelleharmiel was done. "Come here," she said. "I think you've eaten enough."
"Not necessarily," he said, "define eat." And then he kissed her.
Then Legolas and Eowyn, who had been talking, all of a sudden noticed that their children seemed ready to slip off and engage in non-G-rated behavior. They quickly came over to put a stop to it, but not before a random Ithilien ranger who had had his eye on Qulleharmiel said, "Get your hands off her, you rogue!"
Huinesoron complied, but hadn't been aware that his mouth counted as a hand until Legolas prised him off of Quelleharmiel. "You heard what the man said . . ."
AN: OOH ITS A CLIFFIE ARENT I EVIL HEE HEE HEE! lol i dunno whats gonna happen in the next chappie, i dont think ill have n e mushiness, i gotta advance the plt, but they will figure out who eachother is sometime, dont worry
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