Oh now, dearest Tomash, the wars have begun
And now canon marches on, to the beat of shipping's drum
Come think of ships and dress tha'sen in fine corsetry;
I'll take you to the Shipfest of High PPC
Oh Delta, love, oh Delta, now list ye what I say
My feet they are so tender, I may not march away.
And e'er since that mpreg fic, I'm with child by thee;
Not fitted for the Shipfest of High PPC
I'll buy for you a Granz, love, and on it you shall ride,
And all my delight shall be a-walking at your side.
We'll stop and read each romance, and thirst like we are dry,
And all of will lovers be, and marry by and by
And when we'll read the shipfics, I'll have for you a bed
And on there shall be roses, and the roses shall be red.
So when you lie with Granz and Thoth and make a pretty three,
You'll think of your fair Delta, in High PPC.
Oh, cursed be the ship wars, wherever they shall rise
And out of Board and Discord press many fen likewise;
They took my domme right from me, shipped her with Neshes three;
All storied in the cruel wars of High PPC.
My lusts I cannot value, nor kinks I do not fear
Now that my Delta's left me, I wander far and near,
And when my baby, it is born, and smiles upon my knee,
I'll tell it of the cruel wars of High PPC.
I'll tell it of the shipping wars of High PPC...
Summary: A bunch of Boarder couples enter a virtual-reality WWII strategy game, each getting to experience life from the perspectives of a world leader at the time and his significant other. The results are surprising.
Ah, Paris. The city of love.
"Isn't it beautiful, Kaitlyn?" gushed Huinesoron. "All the trees and the sky and there's the Eiffel Tower, and..."
Kaitlyn was smiling too. "I'd really hate to see all of this get bombed."
"Oh yeah... there's that..." He exhaled. "Nesh and I declared war on Twistey and Willis earlier today, and that means we could actually be targeted in a bombing raid eventually." hS became melancholy, taking everything in as if he would never see it again.
"Don't feel too bad. It had to be done."
"That's the worst part. I just can't believe what she's been up to."
"Playing by the script, it seems. Playing exactly by the script."
------
It was a cold day in Moscow, but Snowblaze didn't mind. She loved the weather here.
"How do I look in this gleaming white uniform?" she asked her lover, who I shall let the other Boarders choose, while studying herself in the mirror.
"Very dashing, Comrade Snowblaze."
"Thank you, comrade." Then they both burst out laughing.
"So, about the deal to split up Poland... d'ya think she's going to betray you?"
"I know she's going to betray me." Snowblaze turned around. "We've had a rivalry going for a while."
"But she's the history freak. She knows Russia is too cold and too populous to be successfully invaded."
"She's a freak in general. She won't stop." She laughed. "I say that with affection."
------
"I feel disgusting with this thing on my arm," remarked Twistey to no one in particular.
"Then take it off," replied Willis with a shrug.
"I can't. Not while I'm working. I have to play along or else get overthrown by my own officers."
"Suit yourself."
Twistey leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. "If this were truly historically accurate, they wouldn't let a woman lead Germany anyway. I've got to always remember that."
There was a knock on the door. "Come in."
An out-of-breath young soldier walked in. Twistey quickly tried to look serious and intimidating. "Yes? What is it?"
He handed her a letter across the desk. "Britain and France have declared war."
"Thank you, you are dismissed." As the soldier left, Twistey turned to Willis. "So it begins."
"Do you think we'll be able to beat France if it's being run by, uh, what's his face?"
"HWEEN-ay-SORE-on. And I don't know. But we'll definitely have to watch out for Great Britain, since Neshomeh and Phobos are in charge."
"Nesh seems nice."
"She's always nice until I pull a stunt like this. So are half the oldbies. The other half just ignore it."
"Hindsight 20/20."
The door burst open. Once again, Twistey sat up in her chair and adopted a stern expression. She needed it, as now she was face to face with the chief of the SS, Heinrich Himmler.
"When are you going to implement the Final Solution?" he demanded. "I believe it's time now to begin."
Twistey paused. "It, ah, it will come... Where did I say that the Jews were the prob- I mean, what I was going to do with them?"
"In here." He put a copy of Mein Kampf on top of the desk. "Perhaps you should read through it again, and recollect exactly what you came here to do."
"Thank you. You are dismissed."
Being published was what every Boarder dreamed of. And here she was, with a book she wrote. At least, she did in this virtual-reality world that Tomash, Thoth, and her friend Sigma from Newgrounds had coded as part of the move towards the creation of strategy games for the PPCers to enjoy. But the words sure didn't sound like her, the way they were written. She wouldn't leave that many typos in a book. And the ideas presented in it were even worse.
That was the problem. The simulation, being focused on military tactics, started with the day that the war did. How Twistey had come to power was completely out of her control. And now she was going to look like a coward who couldn't keep promises.
"Ohhhhhhh God. Remind me again why I did this," she murmured to Willis.
"Why you convinced them to build the simulation, or why you kinda automatically flung yourself into this particular role?"
"The latter."
He shrugged. "I dunno. Just like me when we play Axis and Allies. Someone has to."
"I still think I should have had the French role."
Huinesoron sat back and sipped at his wine, then grimaced and put it to one side. "Ugh. Sorry, what were you saying?"
Hardric rolled his eyes. "As your bishop, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to say wine is a mocker."
"You're not my bishop." Huinesoron gestured around the simulated Casa de la Vall, making some undefined point. "Was that all, most esteemed co-Prince?"
"No." Hardric folded his arms, then refolded them to get the floppy sleeves to settle right. "You don't even speak French; I would be much more suited to your role."
"Je suis un oiseau dans le chateau," Huinesoron said vaguely. "Besides, by that logic I should have Britain, instead of Captain Tea-Pants and the Betraying Betrayer."
"You're not taking this at all seriously!" Hardric protested. "I warn you, if I don't get the respect I deserve, I may have to declare war."
Huinesoron raised an eyebrow. "Sorry - you're still just Bishop of Urgell, right?"
Hardric flicked his hand, dismissing the words. "I mean of course, Andorra will declare war."
"We're co-princes," Huinesoron pointed out. "You can't declare on France without my agreement. Which you're not going to get, for obvious reasons."
Hardric's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You're going to have to go back to Paris sometime," he said. "Do you really think our people won't follow me...?"
"They didn't in real history." Huinesoron sighed and straightened up. "Look, I get it - Bishop of Urgell isn't the most exciting role." He thought for a moment, then snapped his fingers. "I don't think anyone's playing Spain, are they? If it's a coup you want, you could always try Madrid on for size..."
Neshomeh: I have to tell you, you do not want to go up against Phobos in Diplomacy. He's known as the Betraying Betrayer Who Betrays for good reason.
At least if we're both Britain, he can't do it to me this time. {= P
~Neshomeh, off to instate food rationing and very politely shout at America to please stop faffing about and get over here already, if it's not too inconvenient.
Thoth: Hey, we're trying as hard as we can! It's hardly all sunshine and roses over here. We've got plenty of domestic issues to deal with! And racism. Eurrgh. Trying to fix that. Civ IV made it look a lot easier than it is.
As for providing you with troops and the lot, I'm trying, I really am. But my co-leader is... uhmm... hang on a sec.
No, Granz, we can't just send Germany a "mountain of teddy bears." I need troops!
--But I feel bad for killing the soldiers!
They're not even real soldiers, they're just computer simulations.
--I know, but I feel bad for the computer simulations!
Well, how would teddy bears help?
--...Maybe Twistey's heart will be warmed by the teddy bears so much that she surrenders and then we have a giant international snuggle pile?
I guess it's worth a shot, since you won't agree to anything else.
--Hey, I'm not totally crazy! The teddy bears are also grenades!
...Go on...
--Totally harmless grenades! They push stuff towards them, push it away, or vaporize non-living materials. But always harmlessly!
...Bloody hell. You do realize there's a war on, right?
--Hey, at least a lot of their soldiers will be spontaneously naked.
So do you always have your mind in the gutter, or only when you're endorsing pacifism?
--Not always! But I'm pretty sure I know how to convince you.
And how's that?
--Sexiness.
...I don't like that grin. See, the worst thing is, you're not even entirely wrong.
Nesh, the time on the SIGSALY is running out. Sorry, I'll have to go before the line dies or we go insecure. In any case, hopefully that gives you some idea of what I'm dealing with here.
[Commencing conference call]
[Ring ring... Ring ring... Click]
Phobos: Twistey, if that's you calling to surrender-
Huinesoron: It's me.
P: Oh! What a nice surprise. And how is France today?
H: ...
P: hS? Is there a problem?
H: Is there a PROBLEM? You sank my navy!
P: Oh, yes, that-
H: We're supposed to be ALLIED and you sank my SHIPS!
P: Well, we couldn't risk Twistey getting hold of them. It actually happened in real history, you know, so-
H: Only after France SURRENDERED. We hadn't stopped fi- no, we hadn't even STARTED fighting yet!
P: Better safe than sorry, what?
H: What?!
Neshomeh [calling across the room]: Tell him to have a cup of tea.
P: Nesh says you should-
H: I heard. You don't want to KNOW what Kaitlyn says.
P: No sense crying over spilt milk, though, right?
N [calling across]: You spilt the milk?! But, but the tea--!
P: I'm sure we can all move past this-
H: You think you can just brush this off? Those ships could have turned the tide of-
P: Well, needs must, old chap. Was that all? Ta-ta then! [Click]
H: ...
H: I wonder if Twistey's interested in an alliance?
A letter
To: Huinesoron
From: twistedwindowpane
Perhaps I'm a bit late to the discussion, but I hear you'd like an alliance with me. I'm afraid I can't officially do that, as my people are absolutely craving lebensraum and you run the country next door. But perhaps we can make a deal in secret. I'm afraid that if I stick to my true ethical principles, rather than playing the part to the letter, I'm going to have a coup on my hands and maybe even a couple assassins. May I please take refuge in your country if that happens? S-sorry for the dictatorship... a-and the fascism... and the mass genocide... I swear that it was all to get more popularity with the desperate German people!
-Twistey
P.S. You're an artist too! Can you critique some of my drawinfs so that I can try for art school again? I'd like to do better things with my life than cause death and destruction...
Another letter, perfumed with assam and darjeeling.
To: twistedwindowpane
From: Neshomeh
Dear Twistey,
A little bird told me you're claiming your actions in this simulation are all to please the German people. Have you talked to the German people? Cuz either this is a really shite simulation where none of the NPCs get lines, or most of them don't actually like the whole fascism and genocide thing that much! It's just that when the police are legally empowered to break down your door and murder your family members on the merest suspicion of noncompliance with the regime, it tends to make folks a little scared of speaking up, you know?
The German people are certainly desperate, but it's more for things like food and safety and the liberty to walk the streets at night without worrying about being bombed or shot, wot? The people here in England would rather like to have those things back soon, too! Perhaps we can agree that this is all bloody stupid and bring it to a stop like responsible adults in this sim? Then we can all snog and make up. ^_^
Make love not war!
Cheers,
~Neshomeh
A telegram
From: Snowblaze
To: Huinesoron
My... how shall I put this... sources tell me that you're considering an alliance with Twistey. I shouldn't need to tell you that this is a Very Bad Idea. She will betray you. The only reason I'm supposedly allied with her is so she thinks that I'm not prepared for her invasion.
I have a better idea: you and I could form an alliance. If we both attack Twistey at the same time we can crush her between us and then I'll help you invade Britain, and we can unite Europe beneath the banner of Communism!
A carrier pigeon
From: Huinesoron
To: Snowblaze
The idea of an alliance does have its appeal, especially if Hardric can be persuaded to bring Spain into the fold. I'm not so sure about the Communism thing, though - I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be a steadfast republican.
I'm also not convinced you'll honour this proposed alliance, since you literally started the discussion by telling me you're lying about the one you have with Twistey. I think we would need some way to secure the alliance, and as history tells us, marriage between the parties is very effective for that.
Obviously I'm not proposing to marry you myself; I'm far too busy for that. But I'm sure Kaitlyn would be up for
[The handwriting on the note abruptly changes]
Please excuse my husband; he's let his stick-on moustache go to his head. While, yes, his argument that he and Bishop Hardric could between them change secular and church law to make this weird polygamous thing he's considering legal, that doesn't mean I'd be 'up for it'. I'm not that kind of girl.
The only situation where I'd be willing to consider it would be if every leader was marrying in one big war-ending wedding. For the sake of Europe, I'd make that sacrifice.
~Kaitlyn
The same pigeon, returned
From: Snowblaze
To: Huinesoron
Ah, I thought the Communism thing might be a sticking point. Thing is, I can't really abandon my country's idealogy just like that. I'll need to consider how to frame it and how much I'm prepared to compromise.
I would certainly be prepared to consider the idea of a marriage, although obviously I'd have to wait until details are confirmed to make my final decision. As for my alliance with Twistey, I'm only lying because I know she is. If I thought there was a reasonable chance of her honouring the alliance, I would too.
Open Letter from Europe's Newest Theocracy.
Because Catholicism needs its own country to be taken seriously in this century, duck it.
Having discovered Spain was at the current moment a smoking pile of ruins, with not even all the pesky rebels to the rightful dictature of the Spanish Church dead yet, the filthy heathens. Guess there was a reason we could invade free it with an army recruited amongst only half of Andorre.
I have to inform all countries that Spain will needs loads and loads of resources to join any camp in this war. Guess Franco was cupid for a reason after all, the heretic.
Of course, it does mean Spain will ally anybody helping to build back a land of self-rightousness and savage oppression in the name of a God who didn't ask for anything, especially the ones of the wimps in the Inquisition. I swear, placing the burden of proof on the accusation, when we're always right already.
Offer also extended to filthy Reds needing absolution. Indulgences were the high point of the Church, can't understand why they stopped.
The Spanish Theocracy is also willing to legalize this big wedding mentioned in that letterr for the right price and control of Rome, or the means of assuring Madrid supplants Rome as capital of Catholicism, or the edict won't stick. All to ensure peace of course.
We support this proposal. Go find a room already - although you may rather need a hall to accommodate all interested parties. ~ HG of the German People
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Deceptive tactics much? I get that peace and the end of a dictatorship would be wanted. But approval of literally making love instead of war is pushing the Germans out of character. Polygamy and polyamory will still be widely shunned by almost everyone but Mormons and fangirls in the twenty-first century! I sense that someone is trying to manipulate the news to sway me. Who is this spy going by "HG"? I already know, of course, but I'd like you to come forward yourself.
And also, Heinrich is going to coup my butt if I don't support this master race-lebensraum-Final Solution garbage.
-Twistey
Sorry for disappointing you, but obviously I can't come forward while your oppressive regime still lasts. ~ HG of the German People
Red and White
When Snowblaze's lover entered the courtyard he found her lying flat on her face in a heap of snow. Random body parts were distributed around her, which would have looked grisly if they weren't made of snow.
"Snowblaze! What's wrong?"
She sat up, snow in her thick hair, and her lover was struck once more with how beautiful she looked.
"Well," she began, "I was trying to make snow soldiers to defend against Twistey's inevitable betrayal, because they're so much more convenient. You don't need to feed them or give them leave or actually lose them, because I can just rebuild them if they get destroyed."
"Nice! So, what's the problem with that?"
"Well, I suddenly realised that the colour scheme was all wrong. If we're being historically accurate, I'm meant to have a Red Army... and snow is white."
"Oh. I see."
"And if I change it to the White Army everyone will be mad, because the Whites were the ones the revolution overthrew and they'll start saying I'm an aristocrat and there'll be another revolution."
She sighed. "Which would obviously be a bad thing... but on the other hand, no way am I spending loads of money on red uniforms for snow. So... what do I do?"
"Stop trying to game the rules and use real soldiers?"
"I told you. Too expensive, and you can't bring them back."
"Stop worrying and come and have fun with me?"
"Now that sounds like a good idea."
The view from the Eiffel Tower
"They're not going for it."
Huinesoron stepped up behind his wife, slipping his arms around her waist. "No?"
Kaitlyn sighed and turned from the view, nestling her head on his shoulder. "No. Hardric wants chunks of Italy, Snowblaze wants us all to go Communist, NeshBosh want, I dunno..."
Huinesoron's lip twitched. "Tea?"
"Right." His wife looked up at him. "And we want reparations for a whole bunch of stuff we're not going to get. We'll never reach an agreement."
"I still think my plan will work." Huinesoron stepped forward, Kaitlyn turning until they stood arm in arm, gazing out over the streets of Paris. "Nesh said it - 'make love, not war'. If we just marry you to everyone--"
Kaitlyn elbowed him in the ribs. "It won't work," she said firmly. "Twistey and Willis have that whole 'monogamy' thing going on. Unlike certain husbands of mine," she jabbed out with her elbow again, but Huinesoron squirmed away, "they're not obsessed with setting each other up for threesomes."
"That's unfair," Huinesoron protested, but quailed before his wife's arched eyebrow. "Not just threesomes," he clarified.
Kaitlyn snorted. "Right, right." She leant on the railing, staring out at the brightening eastern horizon. "It's going to be war, though."
"... yeah." Huinesoron placed his hand lightly on her shoulder. His brow furrowed in thought; then he turned away, flicking his fingers to bring up the simulation's radio system. "In that case, and since Neshomeh's not using it, I suppose we should do this properly."
With a faint fizzing sound, a microphone appeared in front of him. He cleared his throat, then glanced sidelong at his wife. "Unless you'd rather do the honours?"
"No, no." Kaitlyn waved indulgently. "You'll enjoy it a lot more."
"All right." Closing his eyes, Huinesoron took a deep breath, then tapped the microphone. "This is a priority transmission breaking across all commercial and private frequencies," he announced. "This morning, the Bri- French ambassador in Berlin handed the German government a final note, stating that unless we heard from them by 11 o'clock that they were prepared at once to withdraw their troops from Poland, a state of war would exist between us.
"I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received, and consequently, this country is at war with Germany."
He paused, lifting his head to meet Kaitlyn's gaze across the open mic, and a crooked grin crossed his face.
"Game on," he whispered, and cut the feed.
Planning for War
Snowblaze sat at the head of the table, her generals and advisors all around her. She didn't really know enough history to know exactly who they were, despite the Wikipedia research she'd done before entering the simulation.
"As you know," she began, slightly nervously, feeling very grateful that the coders of this simulation had built in automatic translation, "Britain and France declared war on Germany earlier today."
She paused, hoping to make it up as she went along from here. "This, of course, does not in any way change our position on our pact with Germany. We will still hold to it until such a time as they violate the terms or it expires."
If Twistey was going to be historically accurate, that meant that they'd have to wait a whole two years before they could attack. Which was a real pain, considering that Snowblaze was a ruthless game-player and intended to conquer the world as quickly as she could.
Suddenly she was struck by a brilliant idea: why couldn't she go the other way and invade America? Okay, her Reddish-White Army (as she was mentally calling it) would have to make a slight sea journey, but still, it was definitely worth it. And if America was hers, she'd have the pure military strength to crush anyone who dared to stand in her way.
Saving her brainwave for later, she continued: "We do not currently choose to ally ourselves with Germany, although I will remain open to the possibility if they are willing to form an offensive alliance. Therefore the Soviet Union is currently not at war and will remain so in the immediate future."
She wasn't exactly the world's best speechmaker, but this would do the job. Unless the programmers were feeling particularly sadistic.
"However, it is likely that at some point circumstances will change and we will join the war, on one side or the other. Therefore we must have our Red Army on standby, ready to move at a moment's notice. Is the council in agreement?"
As she hadn't exactly said anything controversial, they all nodded and gave their assent.
"Thank you," she said, and retired to her private chambers to plot the invasion of America.
Game Changer
It was well past dark when Twistey returned home. A long day of dealing with literally every other player except for Willis, and some AIs on top of that, had left her exhausted. She was ready to just go to bed. But what a sight was waiting for her when she opened the door.
In the foyer of the house stood a girl about her age with wavy red locks that cascaded down her back. Her blue eyes sparkled in the light, and she wore a warm and mischievous smile accentuated with red lipstick. And she was... definitely decently endowed. Curves in all the right places, not helped by the style of her red dress. It was definitely Willis, and it was also definitely a woman, but, but, but...
Twistey's mouth hung open. "W-what the hell?!"
"Hiyeeeeee~!" Willis waved upon seeing Twistey. "I got bored and found an exploitable glitch in the game. Do you like it?" He, um, she wiggled her eyebrows.
Twistey stalled. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I'm really getting some Bowsette vibes here."
She laughed. "You know it!"
Twistey made a show of walking around Willis and into the living room. She sat down on a couch, then shook herself and laughed. "I'm just really shaken. By everything. I've been struggling to hold onto my initial expectations of what this would've been like, and this confirms even further that they were wrong."
Wi- er, let's call her Phyllis, looked sad. "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you'd get a laugh out of it. Do you want me to change back?"
"No, no, you're fine. It's my fault for power tripping so hard that I have a physical reaction to the same gender-bending stuff you've been doing since we became a thing."
"It is not your fault!" Phyllis tackled Twistey onto the couch, only flustering the leader even more with her female squishiness.
"All of this is my fault. I provoked the start of the war, or I mean I put myself into the role that provoked the start of the war, after all. I'll be lucky if I can get out without being assassinated."
Phyllis was about to object when there was a knock at the door.
"I'll get that!" announced Twistey. But Phyllis wouldn't budge.
"No, you're staying here with me so I can un-sad you!"
"But I-"
Then, from a distance, they saw a young man walk through the door.
Phyllis quickly moved off of Twistey and sat down next to her. "I swear that wasn't what it looked like!"
"I know," the young man replied as he approached them. "I saw all of it, and I can sympathize with your situation here."
"That's creepy," muttered Phyllis.
"I try not to be," he shrugged. "I switch to someone else's view whenever I feel I'm looking at something I shouldn't be."
"Wha..." Twistey's eyes were wide. "Who are you?!"
"Oh yeah, that's right, I haven't updated my profile picture yet according to your suggestions, so you don't know what I look like." He extended his hand. "I am Sigma64."
"Oh! Sigma! Hi!" She breathed a sigh of relief.
"That's your friend from Newgrounds, right?" whispered Phyllis to Twistey while she shook Sigma's hand.
"Yeah. The guy I found when I was looking for fellow Wolfenstein 3D fans on Scratch. You and I still need to play it together."
Sigma laughed. "100% Sigma approved. Have you found a co-op mod you like yet?"
"I was thinking of just having him play the game and laughing over his shoulder. But that's not important." Twistey looked curious. "The important thing is, what's one of the developers doing meddling in the affairs of mortals?"
"I have a remedy for your plight," replied Sigma, as he started to walk around. "I, with my code and developer permissions, can fix everything. I can retcon the entire Holocaust out of existence, along with any mentions of anti-Semitism in anything associated with you."
"No, thanks, I've managed to get it all back under control. Why'd you even put it there in the first place?"
He shrugged. "It actually wasn't my job to implement it. I don't know whose it was. But I did notice that you were sad about not getting the epic showdown you wanted. As you know by now, I also love a good Nazi boss battle. It'd be a shame not to have one."
"You sure it's not going to end badly? I mean, I'm leading a Germany that's got this piece of junk pasted all over it, the same piece of junk used by some pretty bad actual racists." She pointed to... yeah, you know.
Sigma shook himself. "Wait, what? Isn't that the point of the game? Those Allies kinda let you go with that already, anyway. I mean, it's just a fun simulation, and they know it is, so long as you keep it fun."
"Yeah, true. But I didn't keep it fun." She leaned back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. "Y'know, like an idiot."
"You said only two words' worth of politically incorrect and only three words' worth of factually incorrect. That's not bad. So let's do like Huinesoron said and ditch the depressing parts. No killing people, just zombie armies and occult powers, all wrapped up in an impressive castle with a huge underground complex beneath it. It's time to get ridiculous!" He raised his fist.
"Yeah!" Phyllis stood up and did the same. "As long as I get power too!"
"Oh, you will. And the Allies will, too, so that they don't feel like I'm just bailing you two out. I'll visit them all in turn." He turned to look at the couch. "Twistey?"
Twistey hesitated for a bit, thinking of all the pain of her mistakes. Then she slowly stood. She raised her arm so it was straight out in front of her, her fingers were closed... and then turned the offensive salute into a dab. Everyone rejoiced.
Welcome to Ship War: Ridiculous Edition.