"so you will be weeded to me for ever and ever and ever?" asked Dawn, her wilver hair flicking in a non-existent breeze. Since her last lover had given her the Other One Ring, her hair had inexorably lightened as the corruption took hold. Previously a brunette, she now wasn't so much platinum blonde as plutonium. She wished it would stop singing Evanescence songs of its own accord and glowing in the dark, but it was a small price to pay.

"Yes, my love," said Legolas. His voice was bland and his expression was similar to a concussed weasel.

"woot! lemme get that sweet elfy pants-noodle!"

"Ah, my love, your eyes are so beautiful in the moonlight, so similar in hue and brightness."

"talk later, now make with the crotch-carrot!"

"I feel blessed that my body may sully such full, cherry-red lips."

"mmfl."

"OKAY, THAT'S IT! EVERYBODY OUT OF THE POOL!" The door burst open to reveal a looming figure. He was male. Extremely male, if the shadow was anything to go by.

"mmfwah? huh? whats going on?"

"Dawn, we've talked about this. No mind controlling fictional characters and turning them into sex slaves. You know what happened when the police broke up your last play party. For God's sake, Hermione nearly died!"

"I... I think..." Legolas's expression cleared a little, and his eyes seemed less dim. "I do not know this place. Where are the halls of Rivendell? Why is my portrait on that long cushion? What is this-"

"oh no ya don't. someone needs his boosters." Dawn raised her hand and the Other One Ring flashed. She looked back at her flatmate. "now can ya leave? we were kind of in the middle of something, weren't we, snookums?"

"He said Rivendell."

"uh yeah-" A light bulb pinged on in Dawn's mind. "uh-oh. oh shoot. dont be mad-"

"He has leaf-shaped ears."

"youre doing the thing dude. youre doing the getting mad thing."

"We had a deal, damn it! You leave Middle-Earth alone or I leave and take your brain bling to the authorities!"

"not gonna happen."

"Then he leaves. Now."

"not gonna happen either."

"Then-"

"third option."

"What-"

Dawn's ring glittered, and the sparkles rose from it and settled on the man's eyes like scales on a dragon's back.

"third. option. legolas, lookit that, you got yourself a playmate!"

Legolas turned, his movements stiff. "Hail, friend of my queen. What do your lovers call you?"

The man's eyes were spinning up in their sockets and blood was rushing away from his head, but he still managed one word before the madness took him.

"Huinesoron."