Huinesoron was sitting at the breakfast table when he heard the footsteps. They passed over his head, descended the stairs, and stopped by the front door.

"I thought Valentine's Day was last month," Kaitlyn called.

"It was," Huinesoron agreed, putting his fork down. "I bought you twelve dozen roses, and then we made a flower bed."

Kaitlyn appeared around the corner, clutching a stack of envelopes. "Then why," she said, handing them to him, "are we getting letters covered in heart?"

"That... is a very good question." Huinesoron pushed his plate away and let his wife drop the mail in front of him. He stared at the topmost envelope, which was, indeed, covered with carefully-drawn hearts around the address - and, most worryingly, in the dot over the i in his name. "Are they all like that?"

"Because I've had time to check," Kaitlyn snorted. "Surely the real question is ‘Who's sending them?'."

"Who's sending them?" Huinesoron asked obediently, and picked the top letter up (and yes, the next one down was just as bad). He slit the envelope with a butter knife and pulled out the sheet of paper inside.

"‘To the Eagle of Shadow, '" he read. "‘Fear not! '"

"Well, that's nice and encouraging," Kaitlyn said, taking a seat across from him. "What?"

Huinesoron kept reading. "‘Though for years you have been slighted because of your bird name' - wait, have I? - ‘I am just like you! I, too, am named for an avian - and I, just like you, am a fair creature of the air, agile and flexible. I would dearly love to see your plumage - and, if you are willing, to nest with you.

"‘Yours in the brotherhood of the feather,

"‘Storme Hawk.'"

"... what." Kaitlyn shook her head. "What was that?"

Huinesoron looked bemused. "I... think it was fan-mail," he offered.

"Since when do you have a fan?"

"Fans," Huinesoron corrected, pointing at the pile. "I dread to think what's in the rest of it."

Kaitlyn raised an eyebrow skeptically and grabbed the next envelope. Ignoring her husband's startled objection, she tore it open and scanned the contents. "Who's ‘World-Jumper'?"

"... someone I haven't talked to much?"

"Hmm." Kaitlyn tapped a finger against the letter. "Because apparently he's ‘consumed by an overwhelming desire to jump your world, you magnificent elf you'."

Huinesoron stared. "Give me that."

"Not a chance - you might see the rest of it."

Scowling, Huinesoron looked back at the pile. "Are these all for me?" he asked despairingly. "They can't be - can they?"

"I think they must be," Kaitlyn said smugly. "I don't think anyone would- what are you doing?"

Huinesoron was leafing through the stack, and finally emerged with an envelope. "Aha!" he declared, waving it in the air. "This one's for you."

"Probably demanding I give you up in favour of the writer," Kaitlyn suggested. "Give?"

Huinesoron kept the letter out of her reach. "It's addressed to ‘The incalculably tasty Kaitlyn'," he pointed out. "Still convinced?"

"..."

Huinesoron slit the envelope and pulled out the letter. "‘Delectable Kaitlyn...'"

"Oh, it does not start like that."

Huinesoron held the letter out to her, but snatched it back when she tried to grab it. "It so does," he said. "Let's see... ‘I watch you from afar with glazed eyes, and long to feel the touch of your delicate hands kneading my skin.'"

"What."

"‘If only I could find in myself a slice of courage - if I could raise myself to speak to you! Though my love has been slow to bake, I have finally broken through the crust and written this letter. And you know what? It was a piece of cake! Now I can tell how how delicious your lips are, how-'"

"Wait." Kaitlyn held up a hand. "Is this anything other than a long string of bakery puns?"

"Let's see... buns... muffin... roll... baguette... no, that's pretty much what it is." Huinesoron shrugged. "I guess that explains why it's signed ‘Pretzel'."

"Then that's quite enough of that," Kaitlyn decided, snatching the letter from his fingers. "Now, how about- huh."

Huinesoron peered at the next envelope. Just like the others, it bore a picture of a heart - only in this case, it was an anatomically accurate one. "O... kay..."

Kaitlyn shook her head. "Funny, it says your name, not mine... seems more relevant to me."

"Maybe someone got us confused." Huinesoron grabbed the envelope and tore it open, revealing a thick stack of paper. "Good grief, it's a fan novel."

Kaitlyn pulled a random page out of the stack. "No, it's not," she said slowly. "Listen to this. ‘... the conclusion that your presence in my sleeping quarters would certainly not be negatively viewed. Seventhly, it behooves us to demonstrate that some measure of approval would be shown if you were to remove your clothing in front of me. To prove this, we must first consider the platonic ideal of the human form...'"

Huinesoron stared at her, then pulled another page from the pile. "‘... reflects back on our third assertion, to whit, that your calculated use of the English language...' Stars and water, it's all like this. It's a fan dissertation."

"You lucky boy," Kaitlyn grinned. "And it's signed by..." She tugged out the bottom sheet. "‘Outhra'? I'm not even sure I'm saying that right."

"Nor am I," Huinesoron admitted. "Hang on, though... that's another male. Didn't I used to have fangirls?"

"Maybe you've become some kind of gay icon," Kaitlyn suggested. She looked him over, then shook her head. "On second thoughts, probably not."

"I don't know..." Huinesoron tapped his fingers on the next letter, then sighed and picked it up. "Any guesses?"

"Who's still around? Is Elcalion still around? Or Dann?"

"I'm honestly surprised you didn't suggest Doc Filth," Huinesoron muttered, sliding the letter out of its envelope. "And the prize goes to... Lily Winterwood, apparently. There goes that theory."

"Just what I needed," Kaitlyn muttered. "Competition."

"Er... no." Huinesoron held up the sheet, showing Kaitlyn the image that took up most of the page. "I don't think someone whose attempt at seduction is drawing a cartoon of me and her doing something that has to be physically impossible counts as ‘competition'."

"Might do," Kaitlyn said stubbornly. "You used to like pictures of me..."

"Still do," Huinesoron said absently, turning the letter over. "Will it ease your worries if I point out that she's accidentally - I assume accidentally - included the list of all the other people she's sent letters to? It's quite a large number."

"... I'll let you have that one," Kaitlyn allowed. "What's next?" She picked up the next envelope, frowned, and grabbed the one underneath it, too. She held the letters up for Huinesoron to see, identical except for the name. "Do we have twins around here?"

"Rina and Randa?" Huinesoron suggested. "No, actually, I don't think they're related... want to open your own, or mine?"

"Ooh, privacy or embarrassment... I think I'll open both." Kaitlyn stuck her tongue out at her husband and slit the envelopes. "Let's see... well, that was a waste of time."

"What was?" Huinesoron demanded. He reached for the letters, but Kaitlyn snatched them away.

"‘I think we have lots in common - we've both been here for a long time, and there are other things, too. We've both had times when we don't say a lot - but I think I like the ‘strong, silent' type! I'll be waiting for you whenever you want me - just don't tell your partner! '"

"Fairly generic," Huinesoron said. "Whose was that?"

"Both," Kaitlyn snorted, laying the letters down on the table for him to see. "Apparently VixenMage didn't want to write two."

"Or maybe she couldn't remember which of us is which," Huinesoron suggested. "She hasn't been around much recently."

"No excuse," Kaitlyn pouted. Huinesoron chuckled.

"Why, did you actually want a letter from her?"

"No!" Kaitlyn crumpled the sheet up and threw it at his head (pointlessly - he dodged), then reached for the next envelope. Huinesoron got there first.

"It's for you-u!"

"I guessed," Kaitlyn grumbled, folding her arms. "It was your burning eagerness that gave it away."

Huinesoron stuck his tongue out, then frowned at the envelope. "Why's it blue?"

"You mean, why's it very blue?" Kaitlyn corrected. "I have a guess about that... hand it over?"

"Oh, no," Huinesoron said. "Not until after I've read it."

"But then you'll never know if I guessed right," Kaitlyn pointed out. Huinesoron scowled, then held out the envelope.

"Thank you." Kaitlyn took the blue letter and glanced at the back. "Yep, I'm right." And she slipped the paper into her pocket.

"Wait, what? You have to tell me."

"Because of who it's from. And what's this?" Kaitlyn reached for the next letter, but Huinesoron slapped his hand down over hers.

"You have to open it, too."

"No, I really don't," she said. "I'm saving it for later. But if it'll make you feel any better, I'll open this one." She wriggled her hand out from under his and held up the envelope. "It's for me, too."

"... fine." Huinesoron sat back, arms crossed, and watched his wife slit the envelope. What she pulled out wasn't a letter, but a rectangle of card, with... "Is that gold embossed?"

"It does seem to be," said Kaitlyn slowly. "And it's... oh, my."

"Oh, your?"

"‘Dearest Kaitlyn, who all acknowledge as the hottest thing on two legs-'"

"I thought that was me," Huinesoron interrupted.

"Apparently not. Hush. ‘You are cordially invited to a party in your honour. Drinks (alcoholic) and food (whipped cream and honey) will be provided. Dress code is irrelevant, because you won't be wearing it for long.' Oh, how sweet! My own personal orgy!"

"You can't really say ‘orgy' when there's only two of you," Huinesoron pointed out.

Kaitlyn grinned at him over the card. "Oh, but there aren't. They've all signed it. Your fangirl Lily is on here... World-Jumper and Storme Hawk, too... Techno-Dann, Ailavyn Siniyash, firemagic... there's ten names on here. Can I call that an orgy?"

"Good grief, they've pulled out all the stops," Huinesoron replied. "You might even say they've turned it up to elev-"

"No. No I wouldn't."

"Fair enough." Huinesoron plucked the next letter off the pile. "Hey, maybe I've got an orgy, too. Maybe they're just spamming everyone." He wiggled the envelope between his fingers. "Yep, feels like card..."

"You're just jealous," Kaitlyn said, scowling. "You just can't accept that my fans are more dedicated than yours."

"Definitely feels like an invitation," Huinesoron said, tearing the envelope open. "Why, would you look at that! It's- ow."

Kaitlyn's invite had been gold-embossed. Huinesoron's was certainly shinier - because it was coated about an inch of glitter.

Kaitlyn snorted. "Oh, yes, high-class stuff."

"It might still be good!" Huinesoron brushed some of the glitter away. "I mean, sure, there's no capital letters, and barely any spelling... but it's from two people! Sort of. A second person is mentioned, anyway. That totally counts!"

"That depends on who the two people are," Kaitlyn pointed out.

"One of them's DawnFire," Huinesoron said smugly. "She's the one who wrote it, even."

"Yes, and the other?"

"Uh... we don't need to go into that."

"I rather think we do."

Huinesoron sighed. "It's Legolas, all right? DawnFire wants to ‘play' with me and Legolas. But threesomes count as orgies, even if they're with fictional characters!"

"You just keep telling yourself that," Kaitlyn giggled. "As for me, I'll be too busy at the proper orgy - the one thrown in my honour."

"You're actually going?" Huinesoron's jaw dropped.

"Heavens, no," Kaitlyn said, flicking her hair. "I just wanted to see the look on your face. Now, who's next?"

"Me again." Huinesoron opened the next envelope. "And we have... a romance novel?"

"Aww, you did get a fan novel!"

"No, wait, it's just excerpts... with... okay, that's just strange." He placed the letter on the table between them. "Apparently it needed corrections?"

I fell back against the wall, gasping. How had he done that to me? It was just a kiss thought! I was hardly a blushing virgin a married woman, I shouldn't have been swept away like that!

[...]

I rounded the corner opened the browser, and who should I see but HIM! I froze in place; he registered the lack of movement and smiled it seemed as if he was smiling directly at me. My heart melted within me - this was beyond my wildest dreams.

[...]

My heart leapt to my throat as I spoke wrote his name for the first time. "Darryl Huinesoron..."

I imagined that Hhis reply was would be instant. "Alice Neshomeh..."

"Darryl Huinesoron... will you come to the dance sleep with me?"

"..." Kaitlyn shook her head rapidly. "That... that's actually pretty creative."

"That's one word for it," Huinesoron muttered, looking a little shellshocked. "Surely it would have been simpler just to write it out herself?"

"But then you wouldn't have seriously considered it," Kaitlyn pointed out.

"I'm not seriously considering it." Huinesoron paused for a moment. "I mean, she reads romance novels, apparently. And worse - she cut one up!"

"Hmm." Kaitlyn looked at him dubiously, then glanced down at the table. "Hah, seems she didn't think you'd go for it, either - she's after me, too. That's the same make of envelope."

"But different handwriting, Watson," Huinesoron replied instantly. "Really, try to keep up." He grabbed the letter before Kaitlyn could reach it, and tore it open. "‘Kaitlyn: we have a problem.'"

"I know that," Kaitlyn said. "We're getting stacks of filthy letters. We're going to have to move house again at this rate."

"No, it's the letter," Huinesoron told her. "‘Kaitlyn: we have a problem. I have discovered cut-up romance novels in my wife's drawer with your husband's name written all over the inside covers.'"

"Ooh, is it an angry husband letter?" Kaitlyn practically bounced in her seat. "I've missed those."

"‘It seems reasonable to assume that Neshomeh is attempting to engage in distinctly amorous behaviour with Huinesoron. Obviously, this cannot be allowed to continue.'"

"Here it comes - the good bit."

Huinesoron grinned. "Yeah - but not the way you think. ‘Therefore, I propose that, while their illicit liaison is under way, you and I should meet and engage in similar activities.'"

"Wait, what?"

"‘The purpose of this is threefold: first, to console ourselves on the waywardness of our spouses. Second, to share techniques so that we may adequately satisfy our respective partners without the other straying. Third-'"

"What? Is he implying I don't satisfy you?"

"Yes, he is," Huinesoron chuckled. "Clearly he doesn't know us."

"As long as we're clear on that," Kaitlyn grumbled.

"Ahem: ‘Third, that we may record the proceedings and display them to Huinesoron and Neshomeh, to shame them into admitting their own guilt. Yours sincerely, Phobos.'"

Kaitlyn burst out laughing. "That... is the most ridiculous plan I have ever heard."

"I doubt that," Huinesoron replied. "Another one for the ‘no thanks' pile, then."

"Maybe not..." Kaitlyn cocked her head to one side. "The video part sounds interesting..."

"Definitely the no thanks pile."

"Aww." Kaitlyn pouted, then snatched the next letter off the pile. "Now this, Holmes, you'll grant is the same handwriting. And it's for you."

"The angry husband letter," Huinesoron muttered. "There's always one sooner or later. Let's have it."

Kaitlyn pulled the sheet of paper out. "‘Huinesoron: your blood will water the earth.'"

"What, really? That's more violent than usual."

"No, of course not." Kaitlyn looked down at the page. "It says... ‘Huinesoron: by now you have likely received a letter from my wife. Having considered this at length, I have come to the conclusion that she is correct. '"

"Kaitlyn," Huinesoron said in a warning tone, "what does it actually say?"

"This!" Kaitlyn protested. "Honestly, this time. ‘You are indeed, as she wrote in the margin of one of her books, ‘the sexiest man alive'.'"

"See? I told you it was me."

"You're just the sexiest man. I'm the hottest thing on two legs. Now hush. ‘Therefore, I intend to follow Neshomeh to your liaison; once your amorous activities are complete, and my wife has departed, I shall join you and engage in further sensual undertakings. Yours sincerely, Phobos.'"

Huinesoron shook his head slowly. "So he wants to sleep with both of us? In succession, even. Someone needs to come up with less complicated plans."

"I think someone has," Kaitlyn said, pointing at the last letter. "That's Neshomeh's handwriting."

"And it's addressed to both of us." Huinesoron exchanged a look with his wife. "Read it together?"

"Definitely." Kaitlyn took the envelope, pulled the sheet of paper out, and laid it on the table between them.

Dear Huinesoron and Kaitlyn, it ran:

Hi. Neshomeh here. Phobos has told me he knows about my letter, and about what he's sent to you two, and we both agree that this has gone too far. We've talked about it, and we've come up with what seems to be an ideal solution: a foursome. That way, we'll be able to decide which of you is sexier - it's so hard to tell when people are dressed, you know? - and can all have a great time.

Of course, we know that you must be busy people - anyone as desirable as you would have to be - so we've enclosed some photos for your consideration. Hopefully they'll convince you we're worth the time! {= )

Erotically yours,

Neshomeh & Phobos

The couple stared at the letter for a long time. Finally Huinesoron reached for the envelope and peered inside. "Yep, there's photos there. Should we take a look?"

"Let's not," Kaitlyn said.

Huinesoron breathed a small sigh of relief and pushed the envelope away. "So, that's the last of them - for today, at least. Any you liked?"

Kaitlyn poked her tongue out at him, then frowned. "A couple weren't too bad," she admitted. "Obviously there's my personal orgy... and the idea of the foursome sounds intriguing."

Huinesoron snorted. "Hedonist. But I sort of see your point... so do we take them up on it?"

Kaitlyn considered, then shook her head. "No. We're busy."

"Are we?" Huinesoron considered this. "What with?"

"Simple, dear boy: you're washing my hair."