Author: Avlates_usted
Five People Jacques Will Probably Never Be Paired With, And One Person Who'd Be Perfect For Him
Published: 2020/09/04
  1. Nume - "Irritating"

They'd been brought together for a mission, and Supernumerary was not having it.

"We're perfectly capable of handling this on our own," he told the intruder. "We don't need you."

Actually, Ilraen said, we could really use some help. Especially from someone like you. He gave the third agent in the room a once over that was particularly thorough, given how many eyes he had.

Said agent, being Jacques Bonnefoy and therefore insufferable (as far as Nume was concerned), was not really put off. "Well, I think that settles it," he said, sounding amused. He smirked at Nume, provoking a rise in irritation. "I'm doing the mission with you. Deal with it."

Nume shot his partner a glare and went to get weapons in pointed silence.

"Is he always like this?" Jacques asked. He still sounded amused, damn him.

He can be a little...prickly, Ilraen said apologetically. He's a very good agent, though.

"Oh, I'm sure he is!" Jacques said. The back of Nume's neck prickled; he turned, and saw Jacques ogling him absolutely shamelessly. When he realized Nume was looking, he met his eyes with a smirk.

Nume stopped breathing for a moment, then shook himself and glared, raising an eyebrow. He might be somewhat interested in men, but this man was not coming anywhere near him. "Are there lottery numbers printed on my pants?" he asked dryly.

"I could write some, if you want," Jacques offered. "I think they'd look good there. Or, hell, skip the pants and just write on your-"

"No!" Nume yelped. He refused to think of it that way, but it had definitely been a yelp. How did he keep attracting people like this? Did he give off a signal that said ‘please come on to me if you're an oversexed flirt with an underdeveloped sense of shame'? It might really explain something about his life sometimes...

Jacques just chuckled. "Or not. Offer's open if you change your mind, though."

Despite himself, Nume's glare softened into more of a stare. "Why would I ever want you to write on me?"

Jacques smiled in a way that became even more attractive when coupled with his words and the way he was shifting closer. "Well, I could always do it with something that comes off when licked."

"Right," Nume said dryly. "Because everyone else wants you to lick them, so obviously I must be just like them, right?" He inhaled-mistake, mistake, abort, he smelled good, this wasn't helping-

Jacques shrugged, and stopped about a foot in front of him. "Not just like them, but I guarantee you'd like me a lot better if I licked you."

"Right," Nume repeated. "Because you think everyone's interested in you?"

Jacques leaned closer. "No one's proved me wrong about that in a long time."

Nume, to his horror, could feel himself blushing. This was bad. This was definitely not good. This was-

As though in an out of body experience, he felt his gaze drop to the other man's mouth.

Jacques smiled a secretive, attractive smile. Damn him. "You know," he said, and it turned out his voice got much less annoying when he lowered it, "if you want to kiss me, I really wouldn't mind."

There was a long pause, and then-

Screw it, Nume thought. It wasn't like he had no reason to trust him, after all; and he did (kind of, maybe, sort of) know what he was doing now...

He leaned forward and pulled Jacques into a kiss.

It was amazing. Nume could feel himself melting against the other agent; he was just too good! He knew where to brush with his hands to elicit shivers, and his lips were soft but firm, and then he pressed closer and Nume gasped into his mouth. He could feel every single inch of Jacques' body pressed against his, and it made tingles run up and down his spine.

He was going to remember this forever, but somehow, that prospect seemed very, very good right now. If he could only make himself get his mouth free long enough to suggest a bed...or maybe just the couch, the couch would work just fine, even if they were both so tall their feet would hang off it...

Maybe Jacques was a mind reader, or maybe he was just very practical: before Nume could finish convincing himself to pull away for a moment to talk (it was very hard), he started to walk them towards Nume's bed. His hands quickly grew busy undoing clothes, and Nume remembered to join him after he lost his belt. He balked at the shirt, but a few more kisses and Jacques telling him surprisingly sweetly that he'd love Nume no matter what he looked like made it easy to bare himself, and Jacques just kept kissing him, so he couldn't really mind too much, unless he just really wasn't picky...

"Stop thinking," Jacques advised him, and began to kiss his way down his chest. Nume tipped his head back and gave himself over to bliss.


Disclaimer: Nume and Ilraen belong to neshomeh, and Jacques is Zingemir's. I'm just doing something with them that relly should happen, for fun, but which obviiously they're not going to put together...don't worry, they'll come back in good condition! And if you want to take inspiration from this, please do absolutely that would be so coooool

A/N: So this is actually something I wrote most of last year, but just never really got around to finishing, so I didn't post it. But I'm picking it up again now! Just the last part to write now XD

So yeah, I'm going to post these one part at a time, because why not. Also I want to share this fic with y'all already, and this way I can do it without having to wait until I've found enough time to sit down and write that last part. But that means there are five pieces already written!! Some are pretty AU (well, one, mostly, I don't really know what happened but I kind of like it a lot? But it's like, he's with an AU of a canon, you'll find out later. Or next, actually, that's the next part! Can't wait :))

Anyway, what did you think?? I'm so excited to finally show this one to other people! I had so much fun with it :) :) :)


A/N: Here we go--part two!!!

Important-this isn't canon Dawn!! She's definitely an AU here. Explanation in the ending a/n. Enjoy!!

  1. Clone!Time Agent!Dawn - "Original"

Of all the people Jacques thought he'd ever take up with, a former Time Agent was not even on the list.

"I'm actually a clone," Dawn explained sadly one night. They were curled up together in the Room of Requirement, on a mission together. "I'm kind of the expendable one-"

"You are not expendable," Jacques said firmly, and kissed her, enjoying the way she melted against him. "You're amazing."

"That's my job," Dawn said chirpily. She sighed and leaned away, reaching for her wrist strap. "Oh, hey, it's been three hours."

"Three awesome hours."

She grinned at him over her shoulder. "Okay, yeah, three awesome hours." She flopped back down, strapping the vortex manipulator around her wrist. It wasn't on, apart from the time telling aspect, so Hogwarts' magical field didn't affect it. "Anyway. They decided that, since they liked the...other me so much, they'd shell out for a clone. And here I am. I got all the more dangerous missions, you know."

"More dangerous than ESAS?" Jacques asked.

Dawn shrugged. "Sometimes. Mostly not. I like ESAS better, though," she added, and curled up against him again. "More freedom, better partners, more interesting locations..."

"I'm a catch," Jacques said. "Hey, you know what's funny? I think we're the only two former Time Agents in HQ."

"I mean, I ran into three other versions of you last week, but sure," Dawn said.

Jacques widened his eyes at her. "Three? And you didn't introduce me?"

"I was distracted! Besides, they didn't stay too long."

"Shame," Jacques said. "Let me know if they come back, alright? I'd love to meet more of me."

"You're weird," Dawn told him. "I'm happy being the only one of me around for a change. I hated always being reminded I wasn't the original."

Jacques kissed her soundly, pulling her close and keeping it going until she clung to him. "You're original to me."


Disclaimer: Jacques and Dawn belong to Zingenmir, who should really do something a bit more like this with them, don't you agree?? So much wasted potential. Anyway, though, the whole concept of AU Time Agent Clone!Dawn is all mine! Ask before using ;)

A/N: It's a bit short, I know, but isn't it sweet~? I know, I know, I should've put him with canon Dawn, but I've done that before (I think? Maybe I didn't post it? I'll have to check sometime) and I started wondering what she'd be like in AUs, and then I started thinking about Jacques with a Time Agent, and then my bf told me a lot about the clones in Star Wars, and it just kind of...came together. Sorry if it's a little bit confusing the first time through-read it through again if it confused you, and I'm sure it'll seem better :) I've added a note at the beginning now, though, so hopefully that helps...Anyway, let me know what you thought!!


  1. Elan(or(elisindrivar)) - "A Blessing On Your Head"

A Time Lord who looked about thirteen should not have been this intimidating.

"We're serious, Mum," Elan insisted. His hand was wrapped tightly around Jacques', and his expression was earnest. "I love him. You know I love him. This is it for me."

"But it isn't for him," the Aviator said. She gave Jacques the stink-eye. "He's just going to run around on you. He's incapable of being faithful to one person-he needs at least five."

"Actually, I'm ready to settle down for a while," Jacques said. "At least as long as this regeneration lasts. After that, we'll see where we are and if we need to adjust anything, but for now...when I say I want to marry your son, I mean it in a traditional way!"

"We want you at the wedding," Elan insisted. He leaned forward, blue eyes bright and wide and earnest. Jacques lovingly admired how they looked in contrast to his nut brown skin and dark, curly hair. "Please don't make this difficult, Mum. I need you to support me here."

The Aviator sniffed, and crossed her arms. "Why now?" she demanded of Jacques. "What changed?"

Jacques shrugged. "I got lonely, and then I met an amazing person. I can't help the timing, Ave; we had fun, back when you were blond, but I just wasn't ready. Now I am."

"So, what, if we'd started something now-?"

Elan wrinkled his nose. "Mum, please don't. You're making it weird."

"I'm making it weird?"

"Yes!" Elan said. His hand tightened around Jacques'. "You guys dated centuries ago. A lot of centuries. Things have changed! And this is happening, whether you like it or not, but I want my mum to walk me down the aisle! I want you in our lives, supporting us, being happy for me! I never thought I'd find someone like him-a relationship like this! So please, make an effort and move on!" His voice dropped in volume again, his eyes going wide and pleading. "Please, Mum. Please. I really want a perfect wedding."

"Okay," the Aviator mumbled finally. "Fine." She cleared her throat and straightened her shoulders. "So, have you set a date?"

"Yes!" Elan said, suddenly cheerful and relieved. "We were thinking about a year from now, so we have time to plan it properly and figure out who else we want there..."

He kept talking, as Jacques looked at him fondly, thinking how perfectly everything had worked out.

He was truly blessed.


A/N: Come on, I had to get a Time Lord in here. I thought about it, and then decided: future fic!! And then I started wondering what Elanor would be like all grown up...and then this happened, and it was really fun. Also, Jacques totally deserves some hapiness! Get on that, Zingy!!!

Also, I'm in a rush, so you get a rushed disclaimer! Mwah!

Disclaimer: the Aviator and Elan(or) belong to Iximaz!! I'm just borrowing, obvs. Don't hate.

also if I get someone going AVE/ELANOR BELONG WITH ME i'm going to laugh soooo hard okay bye XD



in a huge rush will get the rest another time but thanks for the review and AVE IS THIRTEEN NOT ELAN AAAH I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE IT LOOKED LIKE THAT

Lemony Eggnog
[Ch 2] What? No snogging? Somehow, I thought all of these chapters were going to end in a make-out. Oh well, can't have everything. And TBH it would have been weird with a love interest who apparently looks thirteen, which is a... choice. That you made. For some reason.

Unless you meant the Aviator currently looks thirteen, not Elan? Maybe? Ave was certainly the only character acting in a way that might be called intimidating at any point in this scene.

Other than that bit of deep and worrisome confusion, this was sweet, and something I could even see Jacques doing at some point, so kudos there.

Whatever you do, darling, don't mind the haters. Especially when they're as persistently and adorably wrong as MrsSupernumerary. ;3

[Ch 2] Y no O'Ryan

Could u plz ship O'Ryan with Jac? Mayb in the last prt?

Othrwze, gr8 job so far. Luv teh fics!
Um, not to be mean, but like...chill? Seriously, it's an AU. This whole thing is a set of unlikely AUs. It's just an exploration. Okay? I put your precious Nume back exactly where he came from.

But also, like, if you have this little chill about a fictional crush being with someone else in a silly explorative AU then you're going to probably run into problems IRL eventually just saying. I mean, like, people we like don't always like us back??? and you can't force them to. so like. life lesson. Chill out.

Next chapter coming up mega soon :D and without Nume before you start having a go at me again P

Um not to be mean but like Idk how many times im gonna have to say this but NUMIE IS NOT GAY!! OMG HE BELONGS WITH ME


U SUK!!!!11
*blinkblink* Imitation? Not sure what you're talking about; this is my own original fanfic. Glad you enjoyed, though! :) :) :)

I...might have forgotten about the bunk beds, whoops, unless I remembered last year and just didn't write it in and have now forgotten?? Anyway, just imagine that Jacques is being careful not to bump anyone's head!! That or he has spider powers here and just rappelled up to the top bunk with webs. Or Nume was just so distracted he didn't quite take in the idea of the ladder. Whatever works ;) (probs the bottom bunk, lol!)

Yay! Glad you're coming back :) always nice when people are interested!!! Next update should be coming really soon, I hope...

Thanks for reading!

Lemony Eggnog
I see what you did there. I'm not complaining. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, am I right? ^_~

One thing, though: you do realize Nume has a bunk bed, right? Not that there aren't ways to make that work, of course, especially with an artist like Jacques involved... Actually, that sounds familiar. Was there a bunk beds ship last year? Or am I thinking of something on some other archive?

Or they could just use Ilraen's scoop. That would probably make the most sense, providing Ilraen is not actually IN said scoop. Maybe even if he is! But I'm a little unclear on that point. A touch of mystery can be exciting, but don't leave TOO much to the imagination, darling.

I'm curious to see where this goes next. I'll be back!