Author: lightfairy406
One-shot: The Nameless Admin's True Face
Published: 2019/09/09

Author's note: I blame daQU33Noffemslash. Also, this isn't the admin who sends out the announcements, but the one who gets rid of troll posts and spambots. Just thought I should clear that up right away.

In a small office somewhere in Headquarters, a trenchcoat-wearing figure sat bathed in the blue glow of three widescreen computer monitors. The center monitor displayed a list of all the verified Posting Board users, color-coded by status (active, inactive, retired, banned, minis). The left-hand monitor had the source code for the Board itself, a string containing at least three programming languages and an absurd amount of angle brackets.

The right-hand monitor had search results for "how to archive a message board," because even administrators need a reminder once in a while.

The Nameless Admin sighed wearily, covering their face with a white-gloved hand. "Bram again? Some people just don't know when to quit." They blocked the offending IP, flagged the post for deletion, and double-checked the user list to confirm that Bram's entry included her most common aliases, which it did.

"Nassssty, stubborn user, oh yes," hissed a voice from somewhere in the Admin's midsection. "Mafoy will teach them pain. Tie them up and roast them like fishies and--YEOW!"

"You know we can't hurt users in real life," the Admin hissed back. A single hairy spider leg poked out from under the trenchcoat's collar, turned it down slightly, and poked back in again. "Not unless they comes to HFA first."

A more pained hiss came from the Admin's legs. "Wants a break. Mafoy and Parfait heavy. Can't hold them up forever, no precious."

It was just as well; the Admin's eyes were starting to hurt from the low lighting and computer glare. "Very well. Eggses break!"

The trenchcoat opened and fell backwards onto the swivel chair. Mafoy, Parfait, and Lopin wriggled their legs in relief. It was surprisingly hard work, pretending to be a human when all you had for company was...well, yourself.

Like you said, pure silliness. It was actually gonna be three mini-Balrogs in a trench coat, but then I remembered that mini-Balrogs can't talk.
Mafoy The Nameless Admin
What is this ssssilliness? Thissss is slanderous, precious, and entirely false tricksiness. And I'm going to need you to tell us everything you know. now.