Chapter One: For The Love of Maple Syrup
It was just another morning at the Protector of Plot Continuum headquarters. Liu Siyuan watched Jacques tuck into his pancakes with a fond smile. The pancakes were perfectly fluffy, made from the right combination of flour and butter and eggs and baking powder. The maple syrup was harvested from only the finest of maple trees in Canada.
"Do you like your pancakes, Jacques?" wondered Liu Siyuan.
Jacques waggled his eyebrows. "They're perfectly fluffy." he said. "I like them very much."
"Good," declared Liu Siyuan, whipping off his apron to reveal he was not wearing anything underneath. He grabbed the bottle of maple syrup freshly harvested from Canada, and poured it down his chest. "Would you like to have me next?"
Liu Siyuan raised an eyebrow at Jacques from over the tablet. "This is an example of a spring palace novel about our lives," he stated.
"Yes, but the fact that I'm not licking maple syrup off your chest right now is proof that the creativity shield around FanficLand is working," Jacques winked at him, as if to suggest he would probably be down to do so if Liu Siyuan bothered to ask. "What do you think, though?"
"Of the spring palace novel?" wondered Liu Siyuan, his brows now knitting together. He scrolled a little further. "This is all the same sex scene?"
"Yep." Jacques accentuated the ‘p'. "Seems accurate?"
Liu Siyuan's entire expression wrinkled. "I decline to answer that question."
"Did you find Narnia?" asked Jacques.
"Worse," said Liu Siyuan. "I found your internet browsing history."
Jacques' cheeks flushed plum blossom pink. "Siyuan, I respect you very much and would never do any of the things-"
He was cut off by Liu Siyuan kissing him. "I want to do all of the things with you," he said.
"Okay!" said Jacques happily.
"It's a turn of phrase," said Jacques. "And for the record, getting your chest as ‘smooth as baby dolphins' is pretty painful, if you're using wax."
"Wax," echoed Liu Siyuan. "Like... from candles?"
Jacques laughed. "No, not really. Don't use candle wax on your body, like, ever."
"Thank you," said Liu Siyuan, puzzled. "I have no idea when I would ever be in a scenario where I would want to, but... thank you."
Jacques shrugged. "I mean, you never know. It could have been in my internet browsing history."
"Why would I want to check your... browsing history?" Liu Siyuan shook his head. "I do not need to invade your privacy in order to figure out that your tastes run more eclectic than my own."
That earned him a chuckle. "Touché," said Jacques. "Read on. Apparently ‘all of the things' starts with some light teacher-student roleplay."
"Oh really?" asked naughty schoolboy Jacques, clambering onto the teacher's desk and pulling Liu Siyuan forward by his sexy blue-green tie. "And how are you going to punish me in detention, Liu-laoshi?"
Liu Siyuan responded by kissing his student, who responded by opening his eager pink boy mouth like a ripe blossom -
"What a coincidence. I also need to take a shower." Jacques winked.
"You are as incorrigible as the Jacques in this story." Liu Siyuan shook his head. "This Lilith Wydenbrooke has captured your shamelessness perfectly."
Jacques pouted at him. "Hey!"
Liu Siyuan grabbed the tablet and lightly bopped him on the head with it in a way that he could only have picked up from Dawn McKenna, before reluctantly (and with clear Morbid Curiosity in his eyes) continuing to scroll through the fic.
"If that's what it takes," said Jacques, pausing just to kiss his cultivator one last time, "then it's worth it. You are worth fighting for."
Liu Siyuan swooned into Jacques' arms like a distressed damsel. "Oh, Jacques, take me now!" he begged, ripping his robes open. Jacques picked him up into a princess carry.
"Of course," he said, with another kiss. "Just one more for the road."
"This fic has the pacing of a low-budget soap opera," said Jacques. "I honestly have no idea. Maybe somewhere around the time our in-fic selves decided to start a business called Jieyuan Co. Ltd.?"
"We start a business?" Liu Siyuan's brows furrowed deeper.
"Yeah, apparently it gets bigger than the twenty-first century Kerblam, whats-its-name, Dauntless? Open Sesame?"
"I have no idea," confessed Liu Siyuan. "Again, I feel as if I need cultural annotations for every other sentence people say to me here."
Jacques chuckled. "I remember that feeling all too well. Anyway, keep reading, you haven't even gotten to the unhinged part yet."
"You're still hurt," said the cultivator, "and should relax."
"I'm fine! The immortality thing sorta resets me, you know," said Jacques, but he kissed back nonetheless, his hands coming up to cup the sides of Liu Siyuan's face. Liu Siyuan pulled back with a sigh, before turning and shouting:
"A-Wang! Yuanyuan! Sect Leader Liu! Jacques is awake again!"
Almost immediately, a younger version of Liu Siyuan with short cropped hair and an ESAS t-shirt came running in. "Jacques!" he said happily. "You're okay! We missed you lots and lots!"
Just behind him was a slightly older Liu Siyuan with his short hair in a white-to-black-ombre. He had cat ears on his head and they twitched. "It's good to see nya awake~" purred the cat boy, his tail flicking happily. "Yuanyuan has missed master very myach."
And then finally, another set of arms wrapped around Jacques from behind, and a pair of lips pressed themselves against his ear. "I am gratified to see you alive and well again, Jieke," drawled a dulcet sexy low voice, and when Jacques turned to see who it belonged to, he saw the face of Liu Siyuan as a legendary immortal beauty, the cold and refined Sect Leader of Liuying Valley. His hair was done up with an elaborate silver and jade hairpiece in the shape of a crane, and his robes were in the finest of blue-green and white silks.
The original Liu Siyuan squeezed his hand. "We were all so concerned for you this time. It was the combined power of our love that brought you back from the Great Void. We hope you will not be so reckless with yourself in the future."
"You have all of us to choose from!" added the youngest Liu Siyuan. "A-Wang hopes Jacques will take it easy and let us pamper him!"
Jacques couldn't help but grin as he stroked his hand through A-Wang's hair. "Of course. Where do I begin?"
"Unhinged, right?" he asked.
"That door certainly is missing a few hinges," agreed Liu Siyuan, folding his hands in his lap. "Three copies of myself?"
Jacques raised his other eyebrow. "That's the strange part for you?"
Liu Siyuan looked at him sharply. "That's not?" he demanded.
"Well, there is a Mirror Multiverse, for one," said Jacques, "and the Transfictional Canonical Defence Authority, and a bunch of other alternate timelines and parallel timelines and whatnot. I'll even bet good money that there's some wuxia-style Plot Protection Sect now that you're around."
Liu Siyuan stared at him as if he'd grown a second head. Jacques chuckled at him.
"Look, last year I might have gotten caught in a couple weak spots between alternate universes, and I... might have met some alternate versions of myself."
Liu Siyuan's expression seemed to suggest he was tacking on a third head. Jacques laughed and shook his head.
"It's not that serious, I promise. We mostly leave each other alone. But you know, now that you're involved in my life, you might also end up with a couple... alternate timelines of your own."
"This tells me you have already met some of these alternate mes," said Liu Siyuan, his eyes narrowing.
Jacques snorted. "If they're alternate versions of you, are they really worth the vinegar?"
Liu Siyuan huffed. "What makes you think I am jealous of them?" he wondered drily, before crossing his arms and adding, "Which ones have you met?"
"Aah, I think... the one called A-Wang in the fic," said Jacques, rubbing his temples. "And the sect leader one. Haven't seen the catboy one. Yet."
Liu Siyuan shuddered. "Thank heavens that was all," he said, nodding at the tablet.
Jacques shook his head. "Siyuan, ah, that's exactly how you incur the wrath of the Ironic Overpower!"
Warnings/Tags: Clone Cohabitation, Cats Being Assholes, Headaches, Sexy Headaches, Maids, Cosplay, Black Leather, Elves In Black Leather, Cultivators In Black Leather, Chinese, Chinese Culture, Chinese Dialogue, Royalty, Sibling Bickering, Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love, Counting, Addition, Math, Maths, Artificial Intelligence, Worldbuilding, Urple, Urple Cloud, Speshul Glitter, Glitter Cloud, Sue-Wraith, Sentient Sex Toys, Sex Toys, Dildos, Moving Dildos, Master/Slave, D/s, BDSM, Feet Kissing, Foot Fetish, Lychees, Peeling Fruits, Pampering, Patriarchy, Snowballing, Deal with the Devil, Bondage, Lingerie, Present, Unwrapping, Unboxing Video, Virginity, First Time, Deepthroating, Animalistic Instinct, Pon Farr, Heat and Mating, Discipline, Fondling, Tentacle Sex, Dehumanization, Humiliation, Breeding, Multiverse, Multiverse Domination, Multiverse Travel, Prime Multiverse, Mirror Multiverse, Headquarters, Invasion of Headquarters, Emergency, Event, Key to Canon, Mary Sue Invasion,
Notes: I WAS TOLD BY MY FRIENDS THAT I WASN'T MAKING JACQUES SEXY ENOUGH SO HERE YOU GO TEEHEE ALSO UGH IT LOOKS LIKE MY EBUL TWIN STALKER IS BACK!!11 >:((( THEY RUIND ALL OF MY OTHER FICS TOO. FFV ADMIN HELP!!1111!!!
The family of five quickly learnt to live together happily. Very happily and sexily. Each of the Liu Siyuans were their own person with their own backstories and abilities, and most importantly, each of them loved it when Jacques would pin them down and stick his big, bulging -
The Agent scoffed. "You've also had personal experience. We had the same personal experience at the same time."
"I do not want to know," cut in Liu Siyuan before the Disentangler could retort. She cackled at him.
"You don't?" The blonde Time Lord tilted her head to the side. "I thought you and him -"
"No," said Liu Siyuan quickly. "You are mistaken."
"Coulda fooled me." The Disentangler shrugged, kicking up her feet onto the sofa in the PPC Lounge. The remnants of mahjong night were being cleared out, with Mandy Singh and Lin Wei-ting carrying out the leftover Chinese. Liu Siyuan still had a bit of a gag reflex thinking of greasy lo mein and orange chicken as ‘Chinese food', but apparently some of the Celestial Empire's great culinary traditions had gotten lost in translation over the years.
(The Disentangler had laughed at that when he first mentioned it, and noted that Naergondir had once complained something similar about Galadriel Brand™ Lembas. Liu Siyuan was glad to hear that he was not alone in this accursed boat.)
"There are so many better things we could be doing," grumbled the Agent as he continued to scroll down the fic page. "We could be translating Shrek into Circular Gallifreyan. We could be watching paint dry. We could be on a mission -"
"Now that's something you never hear here at Headquarters," declared the Disentangler as she stopped the Agent's hand in order to better read the words:
Liu Siyuan rubbed his forehead. A vein was throbbing on his forehead. It made pain go all over his body, except in some parts of him it felt a lot more pleasurable. He liked the word throbbing. It reminded him of Jacques.
He then turned his attention to his two younger siblings. Well, not really siblings. They're more like clones, or just alternate dimension selves. Would those be your siblings? Would it be weird to kiss them?
"I am right here," said Liu Siyuan, arching an eyebrow. "And I have functional ears."
"I know." The Disentangler smiled sweetly at him. "And I said what I said." She paused, tilting her head to the side. "What is your stance on kissing your clone, anyway?"
"Well, I would," declared the Disentangler. "Who'd know better how to kiss me than me?"
"Not sure how I'd feel about it," mused the Agent. "I mean I guess it could just be a complicated masturbation fantasy, but I'm not nearly obsessed enough with myself to want to do it."
"Oy, are you calling me self-obsessed?" The Disentangler widened her eyes and wobbled her lips at him. The Agent chuckled, turning around solely to elbow her.
"You did just say no one else could kiss you better than yourself," he pointed out, before continuing to read:
Yuanyuan would look especially good in a maid outfit, and A-Wang would look so good in black leather, and Liu Siyuan would like to wear nothing but whipped cream and maple syrup again, all the easier for Jacques to lick off of him.
"渣猫 (Bad kitty)! 你给我快回来 (Get back here this instant)!"
Liu Siyuan was thrown out of his daydreams by A-Wang and Yuanyuan arguing again. He sighed. "What seems to be the problem now?" he wondered.
"It's my turn with master tonyaht," complained Yuanyuan, licking at his paws because he was a catboy. "A-Wang already had him yesterday. He's being so mweedy."
"Am not!" protested A-Wang. "I just 爱 (love) Jacques so much that I don't want to leave his side ever and ever! Also anyone else who tries to get with Jacques is a thot."
Liu Siyuan gasped in horror. "All lovers of Jacques are queens, A-Wang!"
"Some fancy new kid lingo, I guess," suggested the Disentangler.
The Agent frowned. "Maybe it's a misspelling of thought?"
Immediately Jacques found himself with two arms full of Liu Siyuans - one of them A-Wang, wide-eyed and cute and sobbing, and the other one Yuanyuan, tail flickering irritably.
"Yuanyuan loves master very much," said the catboy sadly. "But Yuanyuan can't seem to spend enough time with master. Because master spends so much time with A-Wang."
"A-Wang is a good boy and earned the extra time, unlike Yuanyuan who keeps on destroying our house!" A-Wang pouted cutely. "Jacques should choose between us!"
"I hate you!" hissed Yuanyuan, baring his claws. Jacques laughed sheepishly, pulling the two Liu Siyuans apart and kissing each one. He was playful and nipped Yuanyuan's lips as he left and he was very sweet with A-Wang.
"I have two hands, you know," he said. "And two legs for the other two, so four limbs in total, one to love each one of you."
"I am gratified to hear that Bo-qianbei can, in fact, add two and two together," he grumbled.
"So how exactly do you use a leg to love someone?" wondered the Agent, shaking his head.
The Disentangler snickered. "It's not the leg itself, but what lies in between it and the other leg."
The Agent raised an eyebrow. "Air?"
The Disentangler rolled her eyes. "Wrong. Read the fic, fic reader."
"Hey, I didn't ask to be the one holding the tablet," complained the Agent. He tried to hand it off to her, but she shoved it back into his hands like a hot potato. "Come on, Dis, if you're gonna stand there and make snarky comments, at least sacrifice a couple braincells to help us scroll through the monstrosity or something."
"Nope." The Disentangler grinned. "For the privilege of hearing my witty commentary on this fic, I charge a fee of ‘don't make me hold it'."
"That's what she said," said the Agent. Liu Siyuan grumbled something about them both being five, and leaned over to scroll on.
Bobby was a purple-pink tentacle. But also Bobby was so much more. It was named Bobby from Baobei (宝贝, treasure), and it was indeed a treasure because it could do anything.
Bobby was made from cobbled-together DoSAT technology and all of the Liu Siyuans' love and now it was a very smart AI personal assistant. Its true form was one too eldritch to behold, so most of the time it chose to be a purple-pink tentacle or a cloud of purple-pink glitter. Bobby could do anything its owners commanded, and it took a lot of power, so Sect Leader Liu, who did most of the enchantments to make Bobby come alive, was using his magic to power Bobby.
Bobby lived underneath their bed. Sometimes Bobby would be invited to pleasure one of the Liu Siyuans, extending its tentacle into their eager and willing -
"You want to read about an eldritch AI sex toy?" wondered Liu Siyuan.
"Look, when you put it like that, that actually sounds pretty fun," said the Disentangler, pouting. "None of my sex toys are eldritch at all."
The Agent made a face. "Have you been inside that drawer of yours lately, Lachesis? I think some of the toys have had babies."
The Disentangler sent him an unimpressed look. "Yeah, of course they would. They're sex toys. It's what they do."
Jacques extended his foot, letting Liu Siyuan kiss it more. He leaned back on the throne and opened his mouth for another peeled lychee. A-Wang took the lychee from Yuanyuan and fed it to Jacques through a kiss. Jacques held his head in place so his tongue could explore A-Wang's mouth.
Not to be outdone by his younger counterpart, Liu Siyuan started to suck on Jacques' -
"Oh, come on," spluttered the Time Lord. "you want to control the pace of this so bad; why don't you hold it?"
"Why would I want to hold it more than I already have?" demanded Liu Siyuan. "I did my holding! Twelve chapters of it! With Bo-qianbei!"
"In all fairness, that was pretty creepy," said the Disentangler, gesturing towards the scene. "I'm not gonna kinkshame the feet stuff-"
"I do not like it, and I am the one being written about, so." Liu Siyuan crossed his arms.
The Disentangler nodded. "Well, that aside, I'm pretty sure Jacques would have a problem with being addressed as master all the time."
"I mean it also just looks weird, doesn't it?" agreed the Agent. "Reminds me of that one movie that just completely misrepresented geisha..."
Jacques looked at Bobby, and then looked at A-Wang waiting for him on the bed. The youngest of the Liu Siyuans was dressed in a see-through gown of pure white lace, with the cutest little blue-green ribbons tying him spread-eagle to the bed. He was blushing like a virgin, because Sect Leader Liu's magic had restored his cherry and Jacques was going to pop it.
"Oh, Jacques," moaned A-Wang in a wonton manner, baring his silky white throat with the blue-green ribbon collar on it. He was a pretty present waiting to be unwrapped and loved. Jacques wanted to ruin him completely for everyone else.
"Yes," he said to Bobby, extending a hand towards it. The cloud of glitter deepthroated him, filling him with Love Power.
With a primal growl, Jacques turned towards A-Wang lying there on the bed, tore off all of his clothes, and pounced on him.
The Agent kept scrolling, his brows furrowing as the scene continued to unfold. "Oh, this goes south very quickly."
Liu Siyuan frowned. "South as in physically moving south along someone's body, or south as in when things get out of hand?"
"Yes." The Agent looked up. "Let's just say he does, in fact, ruin A-Wang."
Liu Siyuan's nose wrinkled, before he finally acquiesced to taking the tablet from the Agent. "Then what?" he wondered, as he scrolled down to find out:
"I only unlocked Jacques' animalistic instincts," said Bobby!Jacques, grinning wickedly with his purple-pink eyes flashing. Sect Leader Liu trembled at the sight of the awesome orbs. "Now with his sexiness and my Love Power, there is nothing and no one in this universe that I cannot do!"
"This is contravening the laws of AI robotics thingy!" Sect Leader Liu shook his head. "You hurt A-Wang! You must recognise your fault and pay penance!"
Bobby!Jacques laughed evilly and swooped in closer, extending his pink-purple tentacles to tie up Sect Leader Liu. The cultivator started to struggle, but Bobby!Jacques only laughed at that and extended more tentacles to caress the cultivator everywhere.
"I have no use for you anymore," declared Bobby!Jacques as Sect Leader Liu began to cry a perfect single tear down his cheeks. "I'm demoting you. From now on, you are only a plaything, to be used and bred at my leisure."
"Bred?" he demanded.
"I mean, I hope that's a typo, for your sake." The Disentangler laughed. "If anything, Jacques is the one who could get bred-"
"He could be submissive and breedable, if you asked!" joked the Agent.
Liu Siyuan looked up at the rafters of the PPC Lounge. "Would either of you like to continue reading about one of my clones getting assaulted by an Urple tentacle monster?" he asked drily.
"It's not even going to be good tentacle smut," grumbled the Disentangler. "Skim on."
"I am now the Master of the Bonneverse!" declared Bobby!Jacques. With a snap of his fingers, the ground below Headquarters started to crack open, and millions and millions of Liu Siyuans and Jacqueses started to roll and tumble out of the abyss, laughing and kissing and touching each other.
Everyone throughout Headquarters was dismayed! They hadn't seen this coming at all. People scrambled to and fro, portalling away as the Siyuan-kin and Jacques-kin began to take control of Headquarters.
"And now with the power of the Bonneverse in my hands," continued Bobby!Jacques, as he pulled the Key to Bonnefoy out of a random plothole (A/N: tee hee get the Tawaki reference?) and started turning the very walls of Headquarters into beautiful shades of pink and purple, "I AM GOING TO REMAKE THIS WORLD IN THE IMAGE OF MY ONE TRUE LOVE, LIU SIYUAN!"
Liu Siyuan looked at her oddly. "Who is Rassilon?" he asked.
"Man, I wish that were me." The Disentangler patted his shoulder. "You really don't need to know, promise."
The Agent looked down at the cracked tablet. "So if the screen cracked," he said," does that mean we don't have to read any more of this fic?"
"What?" gasped the Disentangler. "Just when the Bobby-possessed Jacques takes over the Multiverse - I mean, the Bonneverse?" She snorted. "It's just starting to get good! I want to see what Jenni's reaction would be to this."
"Probably a deep, worried sigh, followed by a sound and sexy exorcism," said the Agent, nodding sagely.
"Maybe not a sexy exorcism, given all the, uh, sexy times already happening," appended the Disentangler. She clapped Liu Siyuan on the shoulder. "Good luck with the rest, eh? If you do manage to finish it with your sanity still intact, we'll buy you PPTea."
"Could I have payment up front?" wondered Liu Siyuan, staring hatefully at the tablet. "Something tells me I shall be stuck here for quite some time."