Author: catgirl_mathpet
Utility Maximizer
Published: 2021/09/07

"I think," Alice Verres said, "that this whole thing you've got going on is really stupid."

"... Excuse me?", said the Sunflower Official - or rather, the DIA agent who was translating its telepathic speech. Alice had expressed discomfort at intrusions into her brain.

The 13-year-old girl pulled a stack of papers from her laptop case. "I can back it up - this is a printout of several utilitarian philosophy papers and Sequences. I would recommend starting with Brian Tomasik's ‘Do Video-Game Characters Matter Morally?' - though it does argues from a real-world-- well, that's the thing, isn't it, it's not the only--"

"We refer to it as World One," the translator acquiesced. Despite rationally knowing that the Sunflower had no face or eyes, Alice somehow had the impression that it was glaring at her. "Get to the point."

The girl sighed. "All fiction is real, and you can access and affect it. You have access to tech that would make you a God, capital G. And you use it to kill Mary Sues."

"I understand that you're relatively new here, but surely you have seen the damage done by--"

"You know what's worse than bad fanfiction?" Alice raised her voice. "Rape! Murder! Torture! You could put a massive dent in the multiverse's overall suffering just by invading glowfic!"

The Sunflower tilted its flower-head. "And destroy the canon in the process."

Alice grinned. "Even if it destroys the laws of physics, the balance of utilons is still firmly on my side. Seriously, I did the math."

"That's not what we do. And not what we stand for. We cannot allow you to--"

"Oh, actually," Alice cut it off with a giggle, "I'm not here to ask for permission. I'm here to gloat."

The Sunflower definitely had some sort of sensory organs in its disk - it turned to the translator for a moment, then back to Alice. Then back to the translator. She decided it was either confused or panicking, and just in case it was the former (and because she had a script planned), continued:

"I got in touch with some like-minded people in DoSAT. With the help of the Machine Intelligence Research Institute's papers, they've been working on a recursively self-improving artificial general intelligence, which according to my calculations should reach singularity right aboooooouuuuuut..."

And then the whole multiverse was turned into fluffy coffee shop AUs.

Um kk I don't think u understand the PPC. Alos u should make ur story more accsile, bcuz ppl don want 2 hav 2 read a dictionary 2 nderstand it, u know?

But keep riting, and sumday I'm sure u'll b really good!

Ew, coffee. Should've been tea.